newsflash

I think it's all fake. I don't think it's what God designed it to be. I think we've let ourselves become to ingrown, too comfortable with what the western version says it should be. there has to be more, there needs to be reality. I know it's out there, I see glimpses from other places. there is hope. but there is also still a bubble. a light, fluffy and self-indulged version of what Christ really died to bring.

and I don't think I can handle the facade anymore. it's bad enough to deal with my own selfishness, pride and hypocrisy. I don't want to be involved in a mass setting of it.

a message

my song is love

I can't

there's got to be medication for this.

good things

tehe

me??

looking into grad school at george mason and george washington. wow. barely a year ago did I even have a clue what I wanted to do. now life isn't big enough or long enough to fulfill my dreams.

status

I'm guessing a lot of people don't realize that many of my last status updates on facebook have been from 1 Corinthians 13. regarding love. because they keep trying to argue. and.....well, it's straight from the Bible. pretty clear. and truth. so it's rather amusing.

it's also a representation of what God's working in my heart. not that that matters, or anyone cares. or could even unpack that from my vagueness. but it is what it is.

is it worse to want to say something, but hold it in because of the fear of disapproval or offending someone? or is it worse to say something and be perfectly honest, but not caring about offending or garnering disapproval from others?

is this different than wanting to say it but choosing not to, because you DO care for other's opinions and value them over your own?

or, does it all depend solely on your heart's motivation? (i.e., saying something out of anger, or to prove you are right, or simply out of pride, or just because you think your opinions matter most?)

or is it better to remain transparent and honest with your feelings and opinions, despite the chance others will completely disagree?

hmm...

:: living to love leads to loving to live ::

I have never:

been more excited about life

felt more grace

been more humbled and broken

felt more in awe of the Creator

and loved His people and His creation more.

than I do now.

my nephew, Micaiah. The cutest baby boy, EVER>

joy

what I do know is He has blessed me. He put hot Zac and Yeanny into my path in the same day. How I've missed that group! And now I can see hope in other's futures. Oh, yes.

why? why why why? I don't understand it.

and perhaps I never will.

:: grace finds beauty in everything :: [but only if we allow it in]

man-made beauty.


Sometimes I honestly don't understand some people who continually choose to not show me grace. Or people who decide to hold grudges against people for the stupidest things, and it hurts them much more than anyone else. it's incredibly frustrating, and makes me not want to even be around them. maybe I'm on the defensive too much at this point, but after trying so hard it sometimes seems like people just want to judge you for everything.

Francis Chan spoke at the National Youth Workers Convention this weekend, and addressed this kind of thing. Not only did it help me realize that sometimes other people's opinions of you are crap and you just ought not to pay any attention, but to also evaluate your own position.

happily, I can say I've let go of most everything I used to hold against people. and I've been intentionally confronting any issues that arise between me and other members of the body, in order to keep peace as much as possible. there is still one person I can see I am not forgiving. and that hurts, and it scary and overwhelming. but it helps me to give others MORE grace, as I put it into perspective.

God's beauty.

I mean, others might look at my situation and think, "why don't you just get over it already?" it may be so simple and silly to them, and they may not understand why it's been so hard for me. at the same time, tho, if they care enough about me and are involved my life for real, they can see the progress I've made in so many other relationships. and they can show me grace by accepting that and being there for me through the other situation.

and when I look at my own situation, I can think, "well maybe it's as hard for them to show me grace as it might be for me to show it to someone else." essentially it's all relative. right?

whatever it all is. I'm learning the importance of grace and mercy. forgiveness and kindness. true fellowship. and seriously, love. and I do find beauty in so many situations. such as when I got a boot on my car today. I was kind, friendly, and respectful to the man who came to charge me $80 to take it off. and I think he really needed that. and it was good.

so......I will be more gracious and loving to those I feel are ungracious to me. and I will continue to surrender my unforgiveness to God, for Him to heal even the most broken areas of life.

may He reign.

Him is happy about life.

I just got hit by a wave of sobering realization. all those babies, terminated before they left their mother's womb. those are people who should be here right now.

their lack of chance at life is a haunting reality. God, this place is screwed up.

not slimy, just edgy.

I can't handle the cookie cutter duplicity any longer. It's gonna take a miracle.

E verdade.

Is That Alright?

with you.

Quit. It.

SPAGHET!

brought to you in part by:

success! birthday and day in general made perfect by everyone. thank you all.

a glimpse of Jesus

I stopped by Smith's tonight at about 11:45 for some dish soap. The only lines open upstairs were the self-scan. Something ALWAYS goes wrong when I use them, so that boded ill.

All three were in use, and two men in line in front of me. Suddenly, a lady dropped a case of iced tea, all glass bottles. They broke, of course. One of the men in front of me was wearing a black Smith's shirt, and was trying to buy a bottle of water, obviously at the end of his shift.

The attendant called for a clean-up, and the lady and her friend tried their hand at it. Meanwhile, the Smith's employee in front of me looked around, almost emitting a perceivable sigh, and retrieved a caution sign from another checkstand to place by the mess. He then proceeded to pick up the case of broken glass, and wet and sticky mess and put it in a bag to throw away. As he walked by me to dispose of it, looking a bit tired, he even managed to give me a polite smile.

There are some people whom I truly admire. And sometimes I'm allowed to witness moments of true goodness. It surely takes my eyes off myself.

Random Smith's employee, I hold you in high regard. Thank you for your kindness.

big plans

at an incredible high lately. be warned- it generally comes crashing down unexpectedly.
and hard.
please, please not again!

Dear God:

I don't think I can.
Will You?