Tuesday, July 25, 2006
whoaaa. I have not posted on here forever. I think I use xanga a lot more, then myspace a bit. I like this one because I think only Jacob ever reads it. then maybe some people I don't know. I'm trying to make Jacob forget I have this site, so that when I want to post about things that happen that relate to church and other utah events, he won't read it. I want this to be my private site that no one ever reads. why'd I ever tell anyone the link to this? ;)
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
40x365
#5
Gordon Burton:
I punched him once. he made me mad. always loud, often annoying. he found us on myspace- friends again.
Gordon Burton:
I punched him once. he made me mad. always loud, often annoying. he found us on myspace- friends again.
Monday, April 17, 2006
#4x365 Caleb:
Caleb is my brother, two years older than I. He's the best guy friend I've ever had, the one who's been so dependable and trustworthy that I now have faith that there ARE guys out there you can trust. Caleb is nearly always in a good mood, his humour cannot be shaken. Always able to find the funny side of things, he's the kind of brother you can't stay mad at. Though he hasn't gone to college like other guys his age, he's learned so much in other ways, I respect him a lot more than most of his peers. Caleb is the kind of person you're lucky to be friends with.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
#3x365 Lily
I met Lily through church; her dad, Peter Hoods, played the guitar. We were very little so my memory is vague, but I like lily very much- we got on well because we were both quiet. She was the eldest and had a few younger sisters whom she took care of occasionally. Quite responsible for her age. She wore her hair long and wore dresses constantly; I always thought it strange but it didn't bother me. last I heard, her parents were divorced, but we lost contact with them years ago. I've tried to search for her but so far, no suck luck.
I met Lily through church; her dad, Peter Hoods, played the guitar. We were very little so my memory is vague, but I like lily very much- we got on well because we were both quiet. She was the eldest and had a few younger sisters whom she took care of occasionally. Quite responsible for her age. She wore her hair long and wore dresses constantly; I always thought it strange but it didn't bother me. last I heard, her parents were divorced, but we lost contact with them years ago. I've tried to search for her but so far, no suck luck.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
#2 jes:
I met Jessica La Bleu when I was young, but don't remember her until she went to the same AWANA I did. We'd greet each other with an enthusiastic "I know you!!!!!" every time we saw each other.
Currently jes is working in Indonesia (Borneo) as a teacher/everything else they need. I miss her more than anything- besides my family, jes is the most important person in my life. I recently told the girls in the Discipleship group I lead that jes has the kind of inner beauty that causes all other external beauty to pale in comparison-when jes is in a room and speaks, people listen. jes has the power of God glowing through her, and to all those tall, pretty, popular girls with the big lips who tried so hard to be cool and could sometimes make mediocre girls feel inferior at times: you have nothing on jes la bleu. she moves mountains while you're still looking for that perfect someone. jes, you truly are more amazing than my words can express. just know, you are the kind of woman Proverbs describes.
I met Jessica La Bleu when I was young, but don't remember her until she went to the same AWANA I did. We'd greet each other with an enthusiastic "I know you!!!!!" every time we saw each other.
Currently jes is working in Indonesia (Borneo) as a teacher/everything else they need. I miss her more than anything- besides my family, jes is the most important person in my life. I recently told the girls in the Discipleship group I lead that jes has the kind of inner beauty that causes all other external beauty to pale in comparison-when jes is in a room and speaks, people listen. jes has the power of God glowing through her, and to all those tall, pretty, popular girls with the big lips who tried so hard to be cool and could sometimes make mediocre girls feel inferior at times: you have nothing on jes la bleu. she moves mountains while you're still looking for that perfect someone. jes, you truly are more amazing than my words can express. just know, you are the kind of woman Proverbs describes.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
40x365
Some guy had this idea to post 40x365 What is that? well, you take your age and every day you post that many words about one person. So basically you post 365 blogs about 365 different people. I think I'll try it. I can't only do 21, though, so I'm changing the rules a bit. So I shall probably post more than that. And I'm sure I know that many people! so here goes my first attempt:
———————————————————————————————————————————--------------------------------
Anita:
I remember Anita from the time I was very small. She was my very first female best friend; the first person I remember having a sleepover with. We watched Ninja Turtles on a Saturday morning, and she had a waterbed. Anita, Jourdain and I were best friends for a few years, until she moved to Michigan. We stayed in contact, sending each other packages with cute little gifts, cards, and letters. A few years later, when Anita was in her teens, she got in a car accident with friends one wet night, and she was killed. That was the last I heard about Anita. I miss her. but I will never forget the best friend I had at the age of 5.
———————————————————————————————————————————--------------------------------
Anita:
I remember Anita from the time I was very small. She was my very first female best friend; the first person I remember having a sleepover with. We watched Ninja Turtles on a Saturday morning, and she had a waterbed. Anita, Jourdain and I were best friends for a few years, until she moved to Michigan. We stayed in contact, sending each other packages with cute little gifts, cards, and letters. A few years later, when Anita was in her teens, she got in a car accident with friends one wet night, and she was killed. That was the last I heard about Anita. I miss her. but I will never forget the best friend I had at the age of 5.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
finally updated!
coming up with reasons or excuses for not updating this blog could come easy- likewise, so could reasons why I could easily have updated. maybe the real reason was that I got frustrated because I could not figure out how to change the links on my own- among other small technical difficulties. Jacob offererd to help me out, but I think I was just too stubborn to take him up on it- Susanna wants to figure it out by herself......
now I understand the linkage a bit better, so I think from now on there should be more posting on here.
my life has been very bland as of late. it's been almost......can I say it? deppressing? very mundane. I slept a LOT yesterday. I think it helped though. and i've asked good friends with good taste for book reccomendations, so I've had some reading material to help stimulate my creative side. I think I've just been bored with doing the same things, with the same people, over and over and nothing new or exciting happening. well, let me rephrase that- nothing new or exciting that I want happens to me. I've been relying on God, but at times I just cry out, "how much longer? how much more must I take?" sometimes I don't even want it. any of it. I want to go away and drop all my responsibilities, just quit. but I know that's not very responsible, and i can't live that way. so I shall continue on as patiently as I can.....trusting in God's wisdom, not mine.
now I understand the linkage a bit better, so I think from now on there should be more posting on here.
my life has been very bland as of late. it's been almost......can I say it? deppressing? very mundane. I slept a LOT yesterday. I think it helped though. and i've asked good friends with good taste for book reccomendations, so I've had some reading material to help stimulate my creative side. I think I've just been bored with doing the same things, with the same people, over and over and nothing new or exciting happening. well, let me rephrase that- nothing new or exciting that I want happens to me. I've been relying on God, but at times I just cry out, "how much longer? how much more must I take?" sometimes I don't even want it. any of it. I want to go away and drop all my responsibilities, just quit. but I know that's not very responsible, and i can't live that way. so I shall continue on as patiently as I can.....trusting in God's wisdom, not mine.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
myspace
ok, so everyone is talking about myspace. it's so popular right now, it's crazy. may I inform you though, I have had a myspace profile for over a year now, so I was on it when it was barely gettting popular. I'm really not trendy......
the weird thing is, all these youth worker sites keep talking about teens and myspace. like this one:
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2006-01-08-myspace-teens_x.htm
problem is, I'm not a teen! I'm 21! I'm not addicted to myspace, but I go on it often. it makes me feel strange to be a youth pastor, but at the same time, in the same catagory as my youth......
myspace has really helped me connect with old friends, and make new ones with youth pastors and youth from other churches. so it's staying with me, for now. yes, it has it's downfalls. but I see more pros than cons. I still feel weird, being in my position. but I guess it's a little better than the 30 somthing's youth pastors who use it. they must feel really strange!
the weird thing is, all these youth worker sites keep talking about teens and myspace. like this one:
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2006-01-08-myspace-teens_x.htm
problem is, I'm not a teen! I'm 21! I'm not addicted to myspace, but I go on it often. it makes me feel strange to be a youth pastor, but at the same time, in the same catagory as my youth......
myspace has really helped me connect with old friends, and make new ones with youth pastors and youth from other churches. so it's staying with me, for now. yes, it has it's downfalls. but I see more pros than cons. I still feel weird, being in my position. but I guess it's a little better than the 30 somthing's youth pastors who use it. they must feel really strange!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
seeker sensitive
Ok, so I'm not a big fan of the so called, "seeker friendly" church model. sure, I think we should always reach out to people, be loving, meet people, etc. but from what I've seen, I don't like how people use "seeker friendly". here is an article I read on http://blog.christianitytoday.com/outofur/archives/2006/01/sense_sensitivi.html
check it out. (and jacob, I did post this same thing on xanga. sorry for the repeat)
January 06, 2006
Sense & Sensitivity: Why It’s Time to Abandon the Seeker-Sensitive Model
To its credit the seeker movement has made church leaders everywhere more sensitive to the presence of non-Christians in our congregations. But, as the epoch of the seeker-church continues to wane, what enduring lessons will we carry with us into the future? Curt Coffield, a worship leader at Shoreline Community Church in Monterey, California, and former worship leader at Willow Creek, notes that newcomers have changed. “People aren’t coming as much to be convinced of the relevance of Christianity as they are coming with a hunger for God.”
As the church moves further away from familiar cultural paradigms, the paradigms that gave rise to seeker-churches, we need to seriously rethink the assumptions behind “seeker-sensitive” ministry.
At my church we are resurrecting the ancient language of hospitality to understand our call to love unknown people in our post-Christian culture. In ages past, travelers in the harsh lands of the Middle East often depended upon the hospitality of strangers for survival. Their principle of hospitality was simple: host first, ask questions later. Hospitality was not dependent upon a guest’s identity—only their need.
When Abraham went out to greet three strangers (recorded in Genesis 18) he took this idea of Bedouin hospitality a step further. When the visitor is an ordinary person of equal rank, the host merely rises. But Abraham welcomes the strangers by bowing low to the ground, and he offers himself as their “servant” even though he was a very wealthy man with servants of his own.
Abraham asks no questions. He expects no payment. He places no conditions upon his hospitality. He merely welcomes these total strangers as honored guests worthy of his very best food, effort, and attention. Only later, after the strangers have eaten and rested, does Abraham engage in conversation and discover their true divine identity.
Throughout the Scriptures we find that God is concerned with the treatment of strangers. He commands his people to act fairly toward strangers (Exodus 22:21), to provide food for them (Leviticus 19:10), and to love them as one of their own (Leviticus 19:34). In the New Testament three apostles write repeatedly about the importance of hospitality (Rom 12:13; Heb 13:2; 1 Pet 4:9; 3 John 1:5; 1 Tim 2:3; Tit 1:8). But it is Jesus who lifts the importance of hospitality to a divine level.
“Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in…Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.” (Matthew 25:34-36, 40)
Christians in the monastic movement later codified the biblical ethic of hospitality as Benedictine Rule #53: “All guests who present themselves are to be welcomed as Christ, for he himself will say, ‘I was a stranger and you welcomed me.’”
The abbot of the monastery was expected to personally welcome guests and wash their feet. If the abbot was in a season of fasting, he would interrupt the fast to eat with the guest. Only after extending his warmest hospitality would the abbot engage in conversation with the stranger, learn their identity and story, and invite them to worship with the community.
These principles of Christian hospitality have been practiced since the time of Abraham, but in the modern age the church abandoned the traditional language of loving strangers in favor of a new dialect. We called it “seeker sensitivity.” The seeker church movement has taken the Bedouin and monastic idea of hospitality (host first, ask questions later) and reversed it. Now, thanks to the influence of business practices and marketing, the church tries to discover everything possible about its target guests, and then hosts according to their predetermined expectations. The result has been a radical shift in the way Christians worship and express their devotion to Christ, and a dehumanizing of Christian hospitality.
Where market research replaces the simple call to love strangers, the responsibility to be hospitable is no longer felt by individual members of the church—the music, sermon, and worship service have all been test-engineered to do the job instead. Market analysis has also shown that many people prefer to visit a church anonymously, so seeker-driven churches will often avoid identifying newcomers. Jesus may be among us in the form of a stranger, but we would never know it unless he filled out a response card.
In our changing cultural setting is anonymity still the right value for hospitality? Does sensitivity to non-Christians mean having to ignore Biblical rites, language, and church traditions? What does it mean in our day to honor strangers as Christ among us?
Some younger church leaders, myself included, believe that we need to abandon the seeker/believer dichotomy in the church and practice a “radical hospitality” instead. As another pastor notes:
A worshipping community which is radically hospitably to outsiders is appealing to a spiritually-minded generation who can readily spot “spin and marketing.”
This radical hospitality means a return to the Abrahamic and Bedouin principle of “host first, ask questions later.” Rather than trying to determine our target audience’s desires in advance, we should welcome strangers indiscriminately into our tent/monastry/church and honor them by authentically revealing who we are. As St. Chrysostom, the 4th century pastor, said, “Hospitality is not manifested in the richness of our fare, but in the generosity of our attitude.”
Posted by Skye Jethani on January 6, 2006 12:00 AM
check it out. (and jacob, I did post this same thing on xanga. sorry for the repeat)
January 06, 2006
Sense & Sensitivity: Why It’s Time to Abandon the Seeker-Sensitive Model
To its credit the seeker movement has made church leaders everywhere more sensitive to the presence of non-Christians in our congregations. But, as the epoch of the seeker-church continues to wane, what enduring lessons will we carry with us into the future? Curt Coffield, a worship leader at Shoreline Community Church in Monterey, California, and former worship leader at Willow Creek, notes that newcomers have changed. “People aren’t coming as much to be convinced of the relevance of Christianity as they are coming with a hunger for God.”
As the church moves further away from familiar cultural paradigms, the paradigms that gave rise to seeker-churches, we need to seriously rethink the assumptions behind “seeker-sensitive” ministry.
At my church we are resurrecting the ancient language of hospitality to understand our call to love unknown people in our post-Christian culture. In ages past, travelers in the harsh lands of the Middle East often depended upon the hospitality of strangers for survival. Their principle of hospitality was simple: host first, ask questions later. Hospitality was not dependent upon a guest’s identity—only their need.
When Abraham went out to greet three strangers (recorded in Genesis 18) he took this idea of Bedouin hospitality a step further. When the visitor is an ordinary person of equal rank, the host merely rises. But Abraham welcomes the strangers by bowing low to the ground, and he offers himself as their “servant” even though he was a very wealthy man with servants of his own.
Abraham asks no questions. He expects no payment. He places no conditions upon his hospitality. He merely welcomes these total strangers as honored guests worthy of his very best food, effort, and attention. Only later, after the strangers have eaten and rested, does Abraham engage in conversation and discover their true divine identity.
Throughout the Scriptures we find that God is concerned with the treatment of strangers. He commands his people to act fairly toward strangers (Exodus 22:21), to provide food for them (Leviticus 19:10), and to love them as one of their own (Leviticus 19:34). In the New Testament three apostles write repeatedly about the importance of hospitality (Rom 12:13; Heb 13:2; 1 Pet 4:9; 3 John 1:5; 1 Tim 2:3; Tit 1:8). But it is Jesus who lifts the importance of hospitality to a divine level.
“Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in…Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.” (Matthew 25:34-36, 40)
Christians in the monastic movement later codified the biblical ethic of hospitality as Benedictine Rule #53: “All guests who present themselves are to be welcomed as Christ, for he himself will say, ‘I was a stranger and you welcomed me.’”
The abbot of the monastery was expected to personally welcome guests and wash their feet. If the abbot was in a season of fasting, he would interrupt the fast to eat with the guest. Only after extending his warmest hospitality would the abbot engage in conversation with the stranger, learn their identity and story, and invite them to worship with the community.
These principles of Christian hospitality have been practiced since the time of Abraham, but in the modern age the church abandoned the traditional language of loving strangers in favor of a new dialect. We called it “seeker sensitivity.” The seeker church movement has taken the Bedouin and monastic idea of hospitality (host first, ask questions later) and reversed it. Now, thanks to the influence of business practices and marketing, the church tries to discover everything possible about its target guests, and then hosts according to their predetermined expectations. The result has been a radical shift in the way Christians worship and express their devotion to Christ, and a dehumanizing of Christian hospitality.
Where market research replaces the simple call to love strangers, the responsibility to be hospitable is no longer felt by individual members of the church—the music, sermon, and worship service have all been test-engineered to do the job instead. Market analysis has also shown that many people prefer to visit a church anonymously, so seeker-driven churches will often avoid identifying newcomers. Jesus may be among us in the form of a stranger, but we would never know it unless he filled out a response card.
In our changing cultural setting is anonymity still the right value for hospitality? Does sensitivity to non-Christians mean having to ignore Biblical rites, language, and church traditions? What does it mean in our day to honor strangers as Christ among us?
Some younger church leaders, myself included, believe that we need to abandon the seeker/believer dichotomy in the church and practice a “radical hospitality” instead. As another pastor notes:
A worshipping community which is radically hospitably to outsiders is appealing to a spiritually-minded generation who can readily spot “spin and marketing.”
This radical hospitality means a return to the Abrahamic and Bedouin principle of “host first, ask questions later.” Rather than trying to determine our target audience’s desires in advance, we should welcome strangers indiscriminately into our tent/monastry/church and honor them by authentically revealing who we are. As St. Chrysostom, the 4th century pastor, said, “Hospitality is not manifested in the richness of our fare, but in the generosity of our attitude.”
Posted by Skye Jethani on January 6, 2006 12:00 AM
Monday, January 09, 2006
oh man
ohhhh!! I just spilled almost a whole cup of grape juice on my carpet. i almost never spill anything at all, and now, of all things, grape juice. we don't even have stain remover or anything to clean stuff like that up. I'm also not feeling well. I'm getting sick again, and I'm really sick of constantly being sick. I wish everyone would quit getting sick and getting me sick. errr....i'm hungry but I don't want to make anything. oh man. I'm really grouchy right now. even my hot cocoa isn't making me feel better. I think this weekend was to long. so is this post. bleh.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Mexico
Well, I'm back from Mexico. Sometimes i don't even know why I go. it hurts so much. I love it, but it has the tendancy to iove me hours of thinking time. those hours translate into: what am I doing with my life? I always wanted to be a missionary, why am I in the youth ministry? am I supposed to be in youth ministry right now? how can I go back when I want to be here so much? among other things. you see, when I first went down, 5 years ago I think, we went for the church dedication in Nogalas, for Tony's church. I met Enedina's family, she's single and had 5 kids at the time. they are wonderful kids, who I spent a lot of time with and got pictures. then I went back about a year and a half later and spent a lot more time with them. that's how it's been the last 5 years. the frustrating thing for me is to see them growing up and not really being able to communicate. so then I always have the grand scheme to come back and continue learning Spanish; but all of the church responsibilities, and a full time job, school in the past, family, etc consume my time. then I go back and I'm frustrated again. at that point, I'm starting to wonder again if i'm using my time wisely and doing what God wants me to. which leads me to pray, and that's good. sigh. maybe I'm just discontent with where I live now? maybe being in San Lazero is new and seems better. I'm not sure.
so the trip was fun. we worked on the dorm some more-very slow going, but we got stuff done. we visted everyone, I gave photo albums to three families and they loved them. went to Cananea for the first time. got searched at the border again because for some reason, the silly guards don't believe us when we say, "no, we don't have any fruit or meat." My dad gets kinda ticked at them. I just laughed. so it was worth going, and God really helped me think about the youth ministry a lot as well. sometimes I wish I could go back to being my parents child and let them make all the decisions for me. haha. I know I can't.
so here I sit at home. not sure about anything anymore except: my parents love me. God is in control and will never let me down. Stockton water is the best in utah. the grand canyon is super amazing. david askvig is a good drummer. I won't ever date a mormon. green is the new pink. macs are better than pcs. black and red will always be my favorite colours. blonde hair is degenerate. free coffee is a good thing. girls aren't funny. I hate being sick. THE END>
so the trip was fun. we worked on the dorm some more-very slow going, but we got stuff done. we visted everyone, I gave photo albums to three families and they loved them. went to Cananea for the first time. got searched at the border again because for some reason, the silly guards don't believe us when we say, "no, we don't have any fruit or meat." My dad gets kinda ticked at them. I just laughed. so it was worth going, and God really helped me think about the youth ministry a lot as well. sometimes I wish I could go back to being my parents child and let them make all the decisions for me. haha. I know I can't.
so here I sit at home. not sure about anything anymore except: my parents love me. God is in control and will never let me down. Stockton water is the best in utah. the grand canyon is super amazing. david askvig is a good drummer. I won't ever date a mormon. green is the new pink. macs are better than pcs. black and red will always be my favorite colours. blonde hair is degenerate. free coffee is a good thing. girls aren't funny. I hate being sick. THE END>
Saturday, November 19, 2005
it's over!!
today, I heard Cat Stevens at work. "hard headed woman". it made me think of Luke, and then I thought it would be funny for him to sing that at his and Sarah's wedding. (after, of course, he proposes. if he ever does.....grrr.) then I told Caleb and we laughed. I thought it was funny. then I realized, I didn't think of him in disgust. I didn't even have a mean thought, bad feeling, turned up lip, nothing. nothing!!!! then I realized I could think of him without being critical or unkind. then I realized, it's over!! by the grace of God, I don't have anymore personality differences or any issues with my sister's boyfriend!!!!!! praise God!!! it's been a long time coming, but the feeling afterward is wonderful. I can be myself around him again. and eventually, he and Sarah can feel normal around me again. oh, God, you are so good!!!!
Friday, November 18, 2005
time after time
Yay for me, I've done it again. I seem to have a knack for repeating things. that may or may not be good for me? I'm not sure which. here's the deal: I tend to get so caught up in my thoughts, so wrapped up in how things are going and what I think about them, sometimes how they make me feel, that I begin to quit talking to people, letting people know how I feel, and I generally don't feel like communicating with anyone. it's not so much that I'm in a bad mood, angry, emotional, or anything bad. but if there's a lot of stuff going on in life, I just want to think. I do, however, often get moody. which, honestly, is how I feel right now. thankfully when I do, I can remind myself its just emotions and they will pass. how I feel right now doesn't necsisarilly dictate anything......real. hahaha. therefore, I'm done with this thought.
winter is coming. are you ready? some things are nice and cozy, like fires, tea, warm blankets, books, running through snow. but being cold at 5:30 AM shivering in the car, or getting soaking wet and frozen trudging through slush, or always having a runny nose is not nice. I shall begin counting down the days till spring.
winter is coming. are you ready? some things are nice and cozy, like fires, tea, warm blankets, books, running through snow. but being cold at 5:30 AM shivering in the car, or getting soaking wet and frozen trudging through slush, or always having a runny nose is not nice. I shall begin counting down the days till spring.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
too many
wow. there are so many thoughts running through my head right now. so many things happening lately. so much sadness and pain, in my life, in the lives of people I know. but good things are happening as well. so many things I deal with every day, go through my head constantly. sometimes I need to just sit down and write it all out to be able to organize it.
let's see, first thought. please pray for those in Lititz, Pennsylvania. My good friends the Ambroses have had a tragedy in the lives of their friends, the Bordens. You may have heard about it already, if not, it's on cnn. so much evil going on scares me because of the destruction it causes. It also makes me aware of the short times, and know that God is in control.
speaking of control. I've had to give Him control again in an area I've struggled with nearly my whole life. (all 21 years!) guys. ever since I was a child, I didn't trust them. always being made fun of, left out, hurt, ignored, teased. even as an "adult" I still struggle with being insecure around guys older than myself. I can't talk to a new guy at church or work till a few weeks after meeting them, it's that bad. even when I love younger boys (like in the youth group or my brothers) and try to trust them, they throw it back at me and break my heart. it's like a cycle, I try to love and trust, then I'm hurt, embarrassed, or ignored, then I get angry or sad, and have to deal wirh giving it all back over to God. will it ever end? I know I need to trust God and be secure enough in Him that no matter who hurts me, His love conquers it. knowing isn't always the same as doing, however. as I realize constantly.....its true, I am insecure around guys. I either am too critical of them and the don't measure up to what I think they should be, or I feel unworthy of them and cannot be real with them, or, I love them and trust them and they betray me. I know it's not all, only a few who do. but the hurts of life often stand out so much more clearly than the joys. Today I wept in His presence and laid my yoke upon Him, once again. I know He is faithful. I know He is powerful. I know He loves me enough to help me through this, no matter how many times I fail. Praise Him! I think one of the biggest frustrations is that people don't understand. They seem to think I'm just mean, or aloof, or too critical. but no, no, I just cannot cope much of the time! hopefully in time this too, will change.
there is a small portion of the jumble of words running through my head. it's also a portion of my heart.
let's see, first thought. please pray for those in Lititz, Pennsylvania. My good friends the Ambroses have had a tragedy in the lives of their friends, the Bordens. You may have heard about it already, if not, it's on cnn. so much evil going on scares me because of the destruction it causes. It also makes me aware of the short times, and know that God is in control.
speaking of control. I've had to give Him control again in an area I've struggled with nearly my whole life. (all 21 years!) guys. ever since I was a child, I didn't trust them. always being made fun of, left out, hurt, ignored, teased. even as an "adult" I still struggle with being insecure around guys older than myself. I can't talk to a new guy at church or work till a few weeks after meeting them, it's that bad. even when I love younger boys (like in the youth group or my brothers) and try to trust them, they throw it back at me and break my heart. it's like a cycle, I try to love and trust, then I'm hurt, embarrassed, or ignored, then I get angry or sad, and have to deal wirh giving it all back over to God. will it ever end? I know I need to trust God and be secure enough in Him that no matter who hurts me, His love conquers it. knowing isn't always the same as doing, however. as I realize constantly.....its true, I am insecure around guys. I either am too critical of them and the don't measure up to what I think they should be, or I feel unworthy of them and cannot be real with them, or, I love them and trust them and they betray me. I know it's not all, only a few who do. but the hurts of life often stand out so much more clearly than the joys. Today I wept in His presence and laid my yoke upon Him, once again. I know He is faithful. I know He is powerful. I know He loves me enough to help me through this, no matter how many times I fail. Praise Him! I think one of the biggest frustrations is that people don't understand. They seem to think I'm just mean, or aloof, or too critical. but no, no, I just cannot cope much of the time! hopefully in time this too, will change.
there is a small portion of the jumble of words running through my head. it's also a portion of my heart.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
late nights
David Crowder makes me smile. two cups of tea late in the evening keeps me awake. Yet I still avoid myself. Sometimes I sit down to read the Bible, or write letters to God, or pray about my struggles. Often when I need that the most, when there's something huge in my life I've almost given up on, that's when I somehow find everything and anything to keep my mind off the pain. Am I so awful? Or is this a common problem? It's relieving to know that eventually I give in and pour out my heart to God, and finally sit. "Be still, and know that I Am God." Eventually, my heart rests. Leaving the impossible with God is the most simple thing to do- or should be. I would like to be able to come to that place much faster than I do. Lord, you are strong when I am weak.
In other news. I miss old friends. Caleb is 23. I don't want winter to come. I do want Jars of Clay to come. Sarah has left for DC to visit her boyfriend. Susanna decided she vemonantly abhorres arranged marriages. period. finally, and shockingly, Susanna might actually like the idea of getting married someday.
!Cheers!
In other news. I miss old friends. Caleb is 23. I don't want winter to come. I do want Jars of Clay to come. Sarah has left for DC to visit her boyfriend. Susanna decided she vemonantly abhorres arranged marriages. period. finally, and shockingly, Susanna might actually like the idea of getting married someday.
!Cheers!
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