Grace

if we fully understood grace, or even came close, I think we would often be so amazed and taken aback at God's love for us, that we would find it so much easier to be who he wants us to.

if we learned to apply grace towards others, in the same way God has for us, we would love in ways none of us could imagine.

why is the fairly simple concept of grace so difficult to move from theory to practice? sometimes I believe grace is hardest form of love for me to act on, and truly believe in my heart. do we honestly understand what it means to show a person grace, in the face of reality?

Question

Jim enters the office dressed as Dwight)
Jim: It's kind of blurry. (puts on the same glasses as Dwight's) That's better. Question: what kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False! Black bear.
Dwight: Now that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought—
Jim: Fact: bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: Bears do not—what is going on? What are you doing?



Bahahahahahahahahaha!

My Xanga

In order to make the most of my time, I won't be posting on here very often. I've had a Xanga blog for about four years and i truly regularly post there. I'm more connected to many friends on Xanga, so I'll stick with that for now.

So, if you care at all to see any pics or read my thoughts, try out Susanna's Blog and I will see you there!

Susanna

a moment like this

one of my best friends, Cassie, became Mrs. Jake Ulasich on Saturday. Woot! And I don't even have a picture of her in her stunning dress. Ah well. I shall have all the pictures from the photographer next week. (I do keep bragging about that, don't I?)

Elizabeth, Rebecca and I drove the 19 hour drive to Minneapolis, Minnesota on Thursday for the wedding and came back on Sunday. It was a fast, fun trip. Wish it could have lasted longer. Not my first time to Minnesota, but my longest time spent there. Some day, I want to live in Minnesota. If at least for a short while. I want to reside in Minnehaha, Minnesota. I mean, really. When asked where you live, you could respond with, "MinneHAHA! minnesota." then if the questioner wanted more details and asked, "yes, but which city?" you could again reply, MinneHAHA!" depending on how well you could use your voice to place the infliction on the "haha" portion, you could really throw them off. they would think you were amused by something right at the moment you were answering, and therefore they wouldn't realize you were actually telling them the answer. seriously. it would be rather amusing.

My younger sister Charity just turned 21 today. She also got engaged! I am thrilled and overjoyed for her. but a bit sad. I have not seen her at all this year, and every day keeps adding to the longest time we have ever been apart. we won't share a single moment together in 2007. crazy how these things work.

it seems to help me learn what it would be like if I were to go back on the mission field for a longer period of time. being home is nothing like I imagined, and my life does not seem to be here anymore. for the moment, I shall remain and keep paying off the hospital debt. but my heart is once again flying away. there are reasons, I suppose, why I was always so drawn towards things such as Hotel Rwanda, the ONE campaign, Invisible Children, and Inernational Justice Mission. that's the way God has formatted me, and I can't change that. no, not even my selfish desires for comfort and ease could ever change what God hath wrought in me. and I don't want it to, either. however hard it was to be in Brazil without and friends or family, I learned more there and grew more than I may ever have in my time in the states. I also saw God work in ways I always dreamed of, and I saw his heart in me and my coworkers. yes, it was good.

the one big roadblock remains.........with all my heart, I don't want to do it alone. either get married or go somewhere with Jes. She's thinking of a new country other than Indonesia, and oddly enough- I was thinking of the exact same one! but in all honesty. doing work like that is very, very difficult alone. my plea to God is to send me a like-minded mate. Miracles happen still, don't they? yes, they do. my brother is proof. Cas and Jake are proof. Luke Goodrich for Sarah is proof. ABBA ministries is proof. life is proof. so there's hope yet, Suasna!!!


next time, I'm going to don my aviators, and the first person I catch looking at me, I'm going to say in a smug sort of way with a toss of my hand- "oh, I'm a moviestar." that just explains it all, doncha know?

tea and rain

this week has been such a stay home, drink tea and get cozy sort of week. ohh, I love it! if only autumn didn't bring snow........next week, Minneapolis for Cas and Jake's wedding! I cannot believe it is finally happening! I am so incredibly happy for them both.

in other news......Charity says she and her boyfriend will be moving back to Utah. a dream come true? you better believe it!!!

middle ground?

how do you reconcile concerts, starbucks, hundreds of cds, DVDs, and the like with things such as poverty, injustice, starvation, AIDS? it seems there should be some sort of middle ground. somewhere you can be a christian who lives in this world, but is not of it. it seems you could live a passionate, christ-like life yet still be able to relate to the lost and the broken.

I can't find that place. or it feels like I cannot. it looks like I am always at one extreme or the other. do I never center myself in the middle? either I am passionate and gung-ho for Jesus and doing everything for him, or I feel jaded and angry and very self-centered. perhaps I am being too harsh. but I still find myself either wanting to live like zealot, on poverty and allowing nothing for yourself. or just doing whatever you want and only "getting by" spiritually. neither one seems to work. what's my problem?

when I read the scripture, it sure sounds like Jesus wants us to be gung-ho. but my vision of that seems more extreme than most. however, most of the time the christian church seems so apathetic, caught up in the druggery or life. I never wanted that, yet it seems I can't escape it. I had so many ideals, so many plans. but everyone who ever shared them is gone now. and I'm left feeling so worldy. so cynical. so......listless. passionless. this isn't the Susanna who used to be, and I don't like it. but everything seems to stifle and disappoint. yes, Jesus IS my all in all. but what if I don't see Jesus anywhere?

is that my problem? is it something wrong with me? I wanted to see him so much, I AM passionate!! but it was always smoothed over. nicely put in a corner where it wasn't heard. where it could be ignored.

I just don't know anymore. I want Jesus. I want his beauty, his glory, his majesty. I DO want to see miracles, people changed. I want to see hearts of fire, and unity. but I don't want this crap. and I don't know what to do.

well, well, well

it has been too long. far too long. what to say? went to Brazil and am now back. went to Pennsylvania, New York, Washington DC, Ontario Canada, Maryland, and Virginia. Travel, travel, travel. But now I am in Utah for a bit, working and the like. It is now fall. And I love it. Yes, I do dread winter. But autumn is simply fantastic.

I do miss my friend Jes La Bleu, who left for the Philippines on a two-year midwifery trip. But most of my family is here, and being with them is good. So good.

That's enough of a quickie for now. I will for surely positively update more eventually. Why, even before the year is out, I bet!

I leave you with me. Chillin with Jesus.

Cancer-Free!

I'm cancer free. they got it all. Praise God whom has healed me

baby? twins?? triplets???

Luke and Sarah Goodrich are eexpecting a baby. I am praying for twin girls. charity's praying for triplets. haha. are we mean?

oh, right. so chass is here. she came home with the fam and surprised me. boy, was I ever surprised! she's here for a week! hurrah!!!!

skin cancer

well.....it's worse. not deadly, but worse. they had originally said it was less than a millimeter deep, now it's 1.4. so they have to go back in and take more out, a centimeter's worth on all sides, about an inch deep. then they will check my lymph nodes to see if it spread to there. he said I have a 9/10 chance of it not being in my lymph nodes. we'll see. so far they say we've caught it in time, but, what if I end up being that 10th person? if it's in my lymph nodes, can I die from it? I'm not sure. I think I need to find out more.

I'm not exactly scared. or angry. sometimes frustrated. sometimes, "God, I don't want this. take it away." other times, "I would have insurance if I didn't work part time and I work part time cause of doing youth ministry." I guess that stems from everyone telling me not to blame myself. so who do I blame? my mind wants to blame someone. I know cancer just comes from the fall, our own sin. but it's hard to not have an actual, living culprit to blame.

this might change my plans. which is ok, I am completely used to having my plans go very differently than......planned. but, I thought they were nailed down by God. and I want change. I might explode if this makes me stay in utah for a lot longer......oh God, more patience please!!!!

I haven't told very many people at all. only about 4 people at work know. most of our church leaders. maybe 11 people in Ltitz, PA. a few friends and relatives in NY. 1 in Michigan. one in Colombia. . jes. family. a few youth. but not all the people I know from other churches, or the people in tooele county I know. there's so many people i could tell, but. i don't want to. I don't like a big deal made about me. I don't want to explain more than I already have to. i don't like the pity. but at the same time, i sometimes feel sorry for myself. I squelch that as soon as possible, but occasionally I want other's sympathy. then I don't. oh, what a female I am! don't tell my brothers and their friends. they get in enough jabs as it is....

I don't want this in my life. I just need to keep trusting God. but I feel so selfish: Britney lost an arm to cancer, Rico lost half a leg too a motorcycle accident. and here I am crying about a little cancer in my arm? but see, even writing that makes me cringe! cancer? in my arm?? I'm not even 22 and I have cancer?? sigh. it's beyond me.

whoaaa. I have not posted on here forever. I think I use xanga a lot more, then myspace a bit. I like this one because I think only Jacob ever reads it. then maybe some people I don't know. I'm trying to make Jacob forget I have this site, so that when I want to post about things that happen that relate to church and other utah events, he won't read it. I want this to be my private site that no one ever reads. why'd I ever tell anyone the link to this? ;)

40x365

#5

Gordon Burton:

I punched him once. he made me mad. always loud, often annoying. he found us on myspace- friends again.

#4x365 Caleb:

Caleb is my brother, two years older than I. He's the best guy friend I've ever had, the one who's been so dependable and trustworthy that I now have faith that there ARE guys out there you can trust. Caleb is nearly always in a good mood, his humour cannot be shaken. Always able to find the funny side of things, he's the kind of brother you can't stay mad at. Though he hasn't gone to college like other guys his age, he's learned so much in other ways, I respect him a lot more than most of his peers. Caleb is the kind of person you're lucky to be friends with.

#3x365 Lily

I met Lily through church; her dad, Peter Hoods, played the guitar. We were very little so my memory is vague, but I like lily very much- we got on well because we were both quiet. She was the eldest and had a few younger sisters whom she took care of occasionally. Quite responsible for her age. She wore her hair long and wore dresses constantly; I always thought it strange but it didn't bother me. last I heard, her parents were divorced, but we lost contact with them years ago. I've tried to search for her but so far, no suck luck.

#2 jes:

I met Jessica La Bleu when I was young, but don't remember her until she went to the same AWANA I did. We'd greet each other with an enthusiastic "I know you!!!!!" every time we saw each other.

Currently jes is working in Indonesia (Borneo) as a teacher/everything else they need. I miss her more than anything- besides my family, jes is the most important person in my life. I recently told the girls in the Discipleship group I lead that jes has the kind of inner beauty that causes all other external beauty to pale in comparison-when jes is in a room and speaks, people listen. jes has the power of God glowing through her, and to all those tall, pretty, popular girls with the big lips who tried so hard to be cool and could sometimes make mediocre girls feel inferior at times: you have nothing on jes la bleu. she moves mountains while you're still looking for that perfect someone. jes, you truly are more amazing than my words can express. just know, you are the kind of woman Proverbs describes.

40x365

Some guy had this idea to post 40x365 What is that? well, you take your age and every day you post that many words about one person. So basically you post 365 blogs about 365 different people. I think I'll try it. I can't only do 21, though, so I'm changing the rules a bit. So I shall probably post more than that. And I'm sure I know that many people! so here goes my first attempt:

———————————————————————————————————————————--------------------------------

Anita:

I remember Anita from the time I was very small. She was my very first female best friend; the first person I remember having a sleepover with. We watched Ninja Turtles on a Saturday morning, and she had a waterbed. Anita, Jourdain and I were best friends for a few years, until she moved to Michigan. We stayed in contact, sending each other packages with cute little gifts, cards, and letters. A few years later, when Anita was in her teens, she got in a car accident with friends one wet night, and she was killed. That was the last I heard about Anita. I miss her. but I will never forget the best friend I had at the age of 5.

suasna

suasna
Originally uploaded by suasna.

oh how adorable

finally updated!

coming up with reasons or excuses for not updating this blog could come easy- likewise, so could reasons why I could easily have updated. maybe the real reason was that I got frustrated because I could not figure out how to change the links on my own- among other small technical difficulties. Jacob offererd to help me out, but I think I was just too stubborn to take him up on it- Susanna wants to figure it out by herself......


now I understand the linkage a bit better, so I think from now on there should be more posting on here.

my life has been very bland as of late. it's been almost......can I say it? deppressing? very mundane. I slept a LOT yesterday. I think it helped though. and i've asked good friends with good taste for book reccomendations, so I've had some reading material to help stimulate my creative side. I think I've just been bored with doing the same things, with the same people, over and over and nothing new or exciting happening. well, let me rephrase that- nothing new or exciting that I want happens to me. I've been relying on God, but at times I just cry out, "how much longer? how much more must I take?" sometimes I don't even want it. any of it. I want to go away and drop all my responsibilities, just quit. but I know that's not very responsible, and i can't live that way. so I shall continue on as patiently as I can.....trusting in God's wisdom, not mine.

myspace

ok, so everyone is talking about myspace. it's so popular right now, it's crazy. may I inform you though, I have had a myspace profile for over a year now, so I was on it when it was barely gettting popular. I'm really not trendy......

the weird thing is, all these youth worker sites keep talking about teens and myspace. like this one:

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2006-01-08-myspace-teens_x.htm

problem is, I'm not a teen! I'm 21! I'm not addicted to myspace, but I go on it often. it makes me feel strange to be a youth pastor, but at the same time, in the same catagory as my youth......

myspace has really helped me connect with old friends, and make new ones with youth pastors and youth from other churches. so it's staying with me, for now. yes, it has it's downfalls. but I see more pros than cons. I still feel weird, being in my position. but I guess it's a little better than the 30 somthing's youth pastors who use it. they must feel really strange!

seeker sensitive

Ok, so I'm not a big fan of the so called, "seeker friendly" church model. sure, I think we should always reach out to people, be loving, meet people, etc. but from what I've seen, I don't like how people use "seeker friendly". here is an article I read on http://blog.christianitytoday.com/outofur/archives/2006/01/sense_sensitivi.html

check it out. (and jacob, I did post this same thing on xanga. sorry for the repeat)



January 06, 2006
Sense & Sensitivity: Why It’s Time to Abandon the Seeker-Sensitive Model
To its credit the seeker movement has made church leaders everywhere more sensitive to the presence of non-Christians in our congregations. But, as the epoch of the seeker-church continues to wane, what enduring lessons will we carry with us into the future? Curt Coffield, a worship leader at Shoreline Community Church in Monterey, California, and former worship leader at Willow Creek, notes that newcomers have changed. “People aren’t coming as much to be convinced of the relevance of Christianity as they are coming with a hunger for God.”
As the church moves further away from familiar cultural paradigms, the paradigms that gave rise to seeker-churches, we need to seriously rethink the assumptions behind “seeker-sensitive” ministry.
At my church we are resurrecting the ancient language of hospitality to understand our call to love unknown people in our post-Christian culture. In ages past, travelers in the harsh lands of the Middle East often depended upon the hospitality of strangers for survival. Their principle of hospitality was simple: host first, ask questions later. Hospitality was not dependent upon a guest’s identity—only their need.
When Abraham went out to greet three strangers (recorded in Genesis 18) he took this idea of Bedouin hospitality a step further. When the visitor is an ordinary person of equal rank, the host merely rises. But Abraham welcomes the strangers by bowing low to the ground, and he offers himself as their “servant” even though he was a very wealthy man with servants of his own.
Abraham asks no questions. He expects no payment. He places no conditions upon his hospitality. He merely welcomes these total strangers as honored guests worthy of his very best food, effort, and attention. Only later, after the strangers have eaten and rested, does Abraham engage in conversation and discover their true divine identity.
Throughout the Scriptures we find that God is concerned with the treatment of strangers. He commands his people to act fairly toward strangers (Exodus 22:21), to provide food for them (Leviticus 19:10), and to love them as one of their own (Leviticus 19:34). In the New Testament three apostles write repeatedly about the importance of hospitality (Rom 12:13; Heb 13:2; 1 Pet 4:9; 3 John 1:5; 1 Tim 2:3; Tit 1:8). But it is Jesus who lifts the importance of hospitality to a divine level.
“Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in…Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.” (Matthew 25:34-36, 40)
Christians in the monastic movement later codified the biblical ethic of hospitality as Benedictine Rule #53: “All guests who present themselves are to be welcomed as Christ, for he himself will say, ‘I was a stranger and you welcomed me.’”
The abbot of the monastery was expected to personally welcome guests and wash their feet. If the abbot was in a season of fasting, he would interrupt the fast to eat with the guest. Only after extending his warmest hospitality would the abbot engage in conversation with the stranger, learn their identity and story, and invite them to worship with the community.
These principles of Christian hospitality have been practiced since the time of Abraham, but in the modern age the church abandoned the traditional language of loving strangers in favor of a new dialect. We called it “seeker sensitivity.” The seeker church movement has taken the Bedouin and monastic idea of hospitality (host first, ask questions later) and reversed it. Now, thanks to the influence of business practices and marketing, the church tries to discover everything possible about its target guests, and then hosts according to their predetermined expectations. The result has been a radical shift in the way Christians worship and express their devotion to Christ, and a dehumanizing of Christian hospitality.
Where market research replaces the simple call to love strangers, the responsibility to be hospitable is no longer felt by individual members of the church—the music, sermon, and worship service have all been test-engineered to do the job instead. Market analysis has also shown that many people prefer to visit a church anonymously, so seeker-driven churches will often avoid identifying newcomers. Jesus may be among us in the form of a stranger, but we would never know it unless he filled out a response card.
In our changing cultural setting is anonymity still the right value for hospitality? Does sensitivity to non-Christians mean having to ignore Biblical rites, language, and church traditions? What does it mean in our day to honor strangers as Christ among us?
Some younger church leaders, myself included, believe that we need to abandon the seeker/believer dichotomy in the church and practice a “radical hospitality” instead. As another pastor notes:
A worshipping community which is radically hospitably to outsiders is appealing to a spiritually-minded generation who can readily spot “spin and marketing.”
This radical hospitality means a return to the Abrahamic and Bedouin principle of “host first, ask questions later.” Rather than trying to determine our target audience’s desires in advance, we should welcome strangers indiscriminately into our tent/monastry/church and honor them by authentically revealing who we are. As St. Chrysostom, the 4th century pastor, said, “Hospitality is not manifested in the richness of our fare, but in the generosity of our attitude.”
Posted by Skye Jethani on January 6, 2006 12:00 AM