My Xanga

In order to make the most of my time, I won't be posting on here very often. I've had a Xanga blog for about four years and i truly regularly post there. I'm more connected to many friends on Xanga, so I'll stick with that for now.

So, if you care at all to see any pics or read my thoughts, try out Susanna's Blog and I will see you there!

Susanna

a moment like this

one of my best friends, Cassie, became Mrs. Jake Ulasich on Saturday. Woot! And I don't even have a picture of her in her stunning dress. Ah well. I shall have all the pictures from the photographer next week. (I do keep bragging about that, don't I?)

Elizabeth, Rebecca and I drove the 19 hour drive to Minneapolis, Minnesota on Thursday for the wedding and came back on Sunday. It was a fast, fun trip. Wish it could have lasted longer. Not my first time to Minnesota, but my longest time spent there. Some day, I want to live in Minnesota. If at least for a short while. I want to reside in Minnehaha, Minnesota. I mean, really. When asked where you live, you could respond with, "MinneHAHA! minnesota." then if the questioner wanted more details and asked, "yes, but which city?" you could again reply, MinneHAHA!" depending on how well you could use your voice to place the infliction on the "haha" portion, you could really throw them off. they would think you were amused by something right at the moment you were answering, and therefore they wouldn't realize you were actually telling them the answer. seriously. it would be rather amusing.

My younger sister Charity just turned 21 today. She also got engaged! I am thrilled and overjoyed for her. but a bit sad. I have not seen her at all this year, and every day keeps adding to the longest time we have ever been apart. we won't share a single moment together in 2007. crazy how these things work.

it seems to help me learn what it would be like if I were to go back on the mission field for a longer period of time. being home is nothing like I imagined, and my life does not seem to be here anymore. for the moment, I shall remain and keep paying off the hospital debt. but my heart is once again flying away. there are reasons, I suppose, why I was always so drawn towards things such as Hotel Rwanda, the ONE campaign, Invisible Children, and Inernational Justice Mission. that's the way God has formatted me, and I can't change that. no, not even my selfish desires for comfort and ease could ever change what God hath wrought in me. and I don't want it to, either. however hard it was to be in Brazil without and friends or family, I learned more there and grew more than I may ever have in my time in the states. I also saw God work in ways I always dreamed of, and I saw his heart in me and my coworkers. yes, it was good.

the one big roadblock remains.........with all my heart, I don't want to do it alone. either get married or go somewhere with Jes. She's thinking of a new country other than Indonesia, and oddly enough- I was thinking of the exact same one! but in all honesty. doing work like that is very, very difficult alone. my plea to God is to send me a like-minded mate. Miracles happen still, don't they? yes, they do. my brother is proof. Cas and Jake are proof. Luke Goodrich for Sarah is proof. ABBA ministries is proof. life is proof. so there's hope yet, Suasna!!!


next time, I'm going to don my aviators, and the first person I catch looking at me, I'm going to say in a smug sort of way with a toss of my hand- "oh, I'm a moviestar." that just explains it all, doncha know?

tea and rain

this week has been such a stay home, drink tea and get cozy sort of week. ohh, I love it! if only autumn didn't bring snow........next week, Minneapolis for Cas and Jake's wedding! I cannot believe it is finally happening! I am so incredibly happy for them both.

in other news......Charity says she and her boyfriend will be moving back to Utah. a dream come true? you better believe it!!!

middle ground?

how do you reconcile concerts, starbucks, hundreds of cds, DVDs, and the like with things such as poverty, injustice, starvation, AIDS? it seems there should be some sort of middle ground. somewhere you can be a christian who lives in this world, but is not of it. it seems you could live a passionate, christ-like life yet still be able to relate to the lost and the broken.

I can't find that place. or it feels like I cannot. it looks like I am always at one extreme or the other. do I never center myself in the middle? either I am passionate and gung-ho for Jesus and doing everything for him, or I feel jaded and angry and very self-centered. perhaps I am being too harsh. but I still find myself either wanting to live like zealot, on poverty and allowing nothing for yourself. or just doing whatever you want and only "getting by" spiritually. neither one seems to work. what's my problem?

when I read the scripture, it sure sounds like Jesus wants us to be gung-ho. but my vision of that seems more extreme than most. however, most of the time the christian church seems so apathetic, caught up in the druggery or life. I never wanted that, yet it seems I can't escape it. I had so many ideals, so many plans. but everyone who ever shared them is gone now. and I'm left feeling so worldy. so cynical. so......listless. passionless. this isn't the Susanna who used to be, and I don't like it. but everything seems to stifle and disappoint. yes, Jesus IS my all in all. but what if I don't see Jesus anywhere?

is that my problem? is it something wrong with me? I wanted to see him so much, I AM passionate!! but it was always smoothed over. nicely put in a corner where it wasn't heard. where it could be ignored.

I just don't know anymore. I want Jesus. I want his beauty, his glory, his majesty. I DO want to see miracles, people changed. I want to see hearts of fire, and unity. but I don't want this crap. and I don't know what to do.

well, well, well

it has been too long. far too long. what to say? went to Brazil and am now back. went to Pennsylvania, New York, Washington DC, Ontario Canada, Maryland, and Virginia. Travel, travel, travel. But now I am in Utah for a bit, working and the like. It is now fall. And I love it. Yes, I do dread winter. But autumn is simply fantastic.

I do miss my friend Jes La Bleu, who left for the Philippines on a two-year midwifery trip. But most of my family is here, and being with them is good. So good.

That's enough of a quickie for now. I will for surely positively update more eventually. Why, even before the year is out, I bet!

I leave you with me. Chillin with Jesus.