U2

I'm leaving to go to the U2 concert at the Delta Center. Try not to be too jealous.

Mexico

Well, I'm back from Mexico. Sometimes i don't even know why I go. it hurts so much. I love it, but it has the tendancy to iove me hours of thinking time. those hours translate into: what am I doing with my life? I always wanted to be a missionary, why am I in the youth ministry? am I supposed to be in youth ministry right now? how can I go back when I want to be here so much? among other things. you see, when I first went down, 5 years ago I think, we went for the church dedication in Nogalas, for Tony's church. I met Enedina's family, she's single and had 5 kids at the time. they are wonderful kids, who I spent a lot of time with and got pictures. then I went back about a year and a half later and spent a lot more time with them. that's how it's been the last 5 years. the frustrating thing for me is to see them growing up and not really being able to communicate. so then I always have the grand scheme to come back and continue learning Spanish; but all of the church responsibilities, and a full time job, school in the past, family, etc consume my time. then I go back and I'm frustrated again. at that point, I'm starting to wonder again if i'm using my time wisely and doing what God wants me to. which leads me to pray, and that's good. sigh. maybe I'm just discontent with where I live now? maybe being in San Lazero is new and seems better. I'm not sure.

so the trip was fun. we worked on the dorm some more-very slow going, but we got stuff done. we visted everyone, I gave photo albums to three families and they loved them. went to Cananea for the first time. got searched at the border again because for some reason, the silly guards don't believe us when we say, "no, we don't have any fruit or meat." My dad gets kinda ticked at them. I just laughed. so it was worth going, and God really helped me think about the youth ministry a lot as well. sometimes I wish I could go back to being my parents child and let them make all the decisions for me. haha. I know I can't.

so here I sit at home. not sure about anything anymore except: my parents love me. God is in control and will never let me down. Stockton water is the best in utah. the grand canyon is super amazing. david askvig is a good drummer. I won't ever date a mormon. green is the new pink. macs are better than pcs. black and red will always be my favorite colours. blonde hair is degenerate. free coffee is a good thing. girls aren't funny. I hate being sick. THE END>

it's over!!

today, I heard Cat Stevens at work. "hard headed woman". it made me think of Luke, and then I thought it would be funny for him to sing that at his and Sarah's wedding. (after, of course, he proposes. if he ever does.....grrr.) then I told Caleb and we laughed. I thought it was funny. then I realized, I didn't think of him in disgust. I didn't even have a mean thought, bad feeling, turned up lip, nothing. nothing!!!! then I realized I could think of him without being critical or unkind. then I realized, it's over!! by the grace of God, I don't have anymore personality differences or any issues with my sister's boyfriend!!!!!! praise God!!! it's been a long time coming, but the feeling afterward is wonderful. I can be myself around him again. and eventually, he and Sarah can feel normal around me again. oh, God, you are so good!!!!

time after time

Yay for me, I've done it again. I seem to have a knack for repeating things. that may or may not be good for me? I'm not sure which. here's the deal: I tend to get so caught up in my thoughts, so wrapped up in how things are going and what I think about them, sometimes how they make me feel, that I begin to quit talking to people, letting people know how I feel, and I generally don't feel like communicating with anyone. it's not so much that I'm in a bad mood, angry, emotional, or anything bad. but if there's a lot of stuff going on in life, I just want to think. I do, however, often get moody. which, honestly, is how I feel right now. thankfully when I do, I can remind myself its just emotions and they will pass. how I feel right now doesn't necsisarilly dictate anything......real. hahaha. therefore, I'm done with this thought.

winter is coming. are you ready? some things are nice and cozy, like fires, tea, warm blankets, books, running through snow. but being cold at 5:30 AM shivering in the car, or getting soaking wet and frozen trudging through slush, or always having a runny nose is not nice. I shall begin counting down the days till spring.

too many

wow. there are so many thoughts running through my head right now. so many things happening lately. so much sadness and pain, in my life, in the lives of people I know. but good things are happening as well. so many things I deal with every day, go through my head constantly. sometimes I need to just sit down and write it all out to be able to organize it.

let's see, first thought. please pray for those in Lititz, Pennsylvania. My good friends the Ambroses have had a tragedy in the lives of their friends, the Bordens. You may have heard about it already, if not, it's on cnn. so much evil going on scares me because of the destruction it causes. It also makes me aware of the short times, and know that God is in control.

speaking of control. I've had to give Him control again in an area I've struggled with nearly my whole life. (all 21 years!) guys. ever since I was a child, I didn't trust them. always being made fun of, left out, hurt, ignored, teased. even as an "adult" I still struggle with being insecure around guys older than myself. I can't talk to a new guy at church or work till a few weeks after meeting them, it's that bad. even when I love younger boys (like in the youth group or my brothers) and try to trust them, they throw it back at me and break my heart. it's like a cycle, I try to love and trust, then I'm hurt, embarrassed, or ignored, then I get angry or sad, and have to deal wirh giving it all back over to God. will it ever end? I know I need to trust God and be secure enough in Him that no matter who hurts me, His love conquers it. knowing isn't always the same as doing, however. as I realize constantly.....its true, I am insecure around guys. I either am too critical of them and the don't measure up to what I think they should be, or I feel unworthy of them and cannot be real with them, or, I love them and trust them and they betray me. I know it's not all, only a few who do. but the hurts of life often stand out so much more clearly than the joys. Today I wept in His presence and laid my yoke upon Him, once again. I know He is faithful. I know He is powerful. I know He loves me enough to help me through this, no matter how many times I fail. Praise Him! I think one of the biggest frustrations is that people don't understand. They seem to think I'm just mean, or aloof, or too critical. but no, no, I just cannot cope much of the time! hopefully in time this too, will change.

there is a small portion of the jumble of words running through my head. it's also a portion of my heart.

late nights

David Crowder makes me smile. two cups of tea late in the evening keeps me awake. Yet I still avoid myself. Sometimes I sit down to read the Bible, or write letters to God, or pray about my struggles. Often when I need that the most, when there's something huge in my life I've almost given up on, that's when I somehow find everything and anything to keep my mind off the pain. Am I so awful? Or is this a common problem? It's relieving to know that eventually I give in and pour out my heart to God, and finally sit. "Be still, and know that I Am God." Eventually, my heart rests. Leaving the impossible with God is the most simple thing to do- or should be. I would like to be able to come to that place much faster than I do. Lord, you are strong when I am weak.


In other news. I miss old friends. Caleb is 23. I don't want winter to come. I do want Jars of Clay to come. Sarah has left for DC to visit her boyfriend. Susanna decided she vemonantly abhorres arranged marriages. period. finally, and shockingly, Susanna might actually like the idea of getting married someday.

!Cheers!