too many

wow. there are so many thoughts running through my head right now. so many things happening lately. so much sadness and pain, in my life, in the lives of people I know. but good things are happening as well. so many things I deal with every day, go through my head constantly. sometimes I need to just sit down and write it all out to be able to organize it.

let's see, first thought. please pray for those in Lititz, Pennsylvania. My good friends the Ambroses have had a tragedy in the lives of their friends, the Bordens. You may have heard about it already, if not, it's on cnn. so much evil going on scares me because of the destruction it causes. It also makes me aware of the short times, and know that God is in control.

speaking of control. I've had to give Him control again in an area I've struggled with nearly my whole life. (all 21 years!) guys. ever since I was a child, I didn't trust them. always being made fun of, left out, hurt, ignored, teased. even as an "adult" I still struggle with being insecure around guys older than myself. I can't talk to a new guy at church or work till a few weeks after meeting them, it's that bad. even when I love younger boys (like in the youth group or my brothers) and try to trust them, they throw it back at me and break my heart. it's like a cycle, I try to love and trust, then I'm hurt, embarrassed, or ignored, then I get angry or sad, and have to deal wirh giving it all back over to God. will it ever end? I know I need to trust God and be secure enough in Him that no matter who hurts me, His love conquers it. knowing isn't always the same as doing, however. as I realize constantly.....its true, I am insecure around guys. I either am too critical of them and the don't measure up to what I think they should be, or I feel unworthy of them and cannot be real with them, or, I love them and trust them and they betray me. I know it's not all, only a few who do. but the hurts of life often stand out so much more clearly than the joys. Today I wept in His presence and laid my yoke upon Him, once again. I know He is faithful. I know He is powerful. I know He loves me enough to help me through this, no matter how many times I fail. Praise Him! I think one of the biggest frustrations is that people don't understand. They seem to think I'm just mean, or aloof, or too critical. but no, no, I just cannot cope much of the time! hopefully in time this too, will change.

there is a small portion of the jumble of words running through my head. it's also a portion of my heart.