middle ground?

how do you reconcile concerts, starbucks, hundreds of cds, DVDs, and the like with things such as poverty, injustice, starvation, AIDS? it seems there should be some sort of middle ground. somewhere you can be a christian who lives in this world, but is not of it. it seems you could live a passionate, christ-like life yet still be able to relate to the lost and the broken.

I can't find that place. or it feels like I cannot. it looks like I am always at one extreme or the other. do I never center myself in the middle? either I am passionate and gung-ho for Jesus and doing everything for him, or I feel jaded and angry and very self-centered. perhaps I am being too harsh. but I still find myself either wanting to live like zealot, on poverty and allowing nothing for yourself. or just doing whatever you want and only "getting by" spiritually. neither one seems to work. what's my problem?

when I read the scripture, it sure sounds like Jesus wants us to be gung-ho. but my vision of that seems more extreme than most. however, most of the time the christian church seems so apathetic, caught up in the druggery or life. I never wanted that, yet it seems I can't escape it. I had so many ideals, so many plans. but everyone who ever shared them is gone now. and I'm left feeling so worldy. so cynical. so......listless. passionless. this isn't the Susanna who used to be, and I don't like it. but everything seems to stifle and disappoint. yes, Jesus IS my all in all. but what if I don't see Jesus anywhere?

is that my problem? is it something wrong with me? I wanted to see him so much, I AM passionate!! but it was always smoothed over. nicely put in a corner where it wasn't heard. where it could be ignored.

I just don't know anymore. I want Jesus. I want his beauty, his glory, his majesty. I DO want to see miracles, people changed. I want to see hearts of fire, and unity. but I don't want this crap. and I don't know what to do.