My Song

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You’ve always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to Be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived life can be loved alone


:: Learn To Be Lonely (Phantom Of The Opera)::


so true.

mais de voce

Tonight Kurt Gelman and I decided that the claim of Michael Phelps being the greatest Olympian because of his medal count isn't well-grounded. Swimming has so many events, of course you can win loads of medals! Then you have people who do extremely difficult events, but only have a shot at one medal per Olympics. So it's not an appropriate comparison. He's great, don't get me wrong. But greatest Olympian EVER? hmm....

There's been far too much eating and speaking going on in my life today-now my jaw is as sore as ever. So, I took some more lortab to combat it. But then I spilled my coffee all over the floor and my hand. Tears may have been close at hand......

Tomorrow after work I head out to Destination Unknown......a youth event with my church, Salt Lake Evangelical Free. Funny thing about this said event, however. The only students signed up so far include my 3 youngest siblings, a few other homeschoolers, and 1 other kid who Lea says, "he is LIKE a homeschooler". So. We're in for a socially awkward, very eclectic trip.....to the unknown. Hmm. Wonder what will go down?

Speaking of church......(I listen to the Relevant podcast too much. the segway fascination has been rubbing off on me for sure!) I've been in a VBS drama for Sunday School the last few months. they split it up, instead of doing it for one week, they've been doing it on Sundays. I volunteered to Lea to be in the drama. And ended up with the lead role. It's been a lot of fun, but a lot of lines to memorize! The best part is, I play a Creation Scientist. My specialty! So i can basically get up on a soapbox, and it's real! well. not an actual, physical soapbox........more like, a real, figurative soapbox.....um. ya. I have to go. I have a food. in the oven.....



So I have a major dilemma. I need to move out by winter, for various reasons, but mostly because I can't live in Stockton and be involved in anything extensively. It's too time and fuel consuming. Plus, getting to work in the winter will be a bear. But all the housing options are not as ideal as I would like. In reality, all I want is to have my own place. Even if small and crummy. I'm so sick of having to move constantly, and into other people's homes. It's draining. And, it's my biggest struggle right now. Watching most of my friends and family get married and start a home together is painful- now, more so because of the home factor, and not the man factor. Good switch? Bad? I'm not sure. I've been avoiding the decision because I can't afford to live on my own, but dread having to accommodate myself yet again to a new household. Sigh. Anyway......I need help/wisdom/prayer in making this decision. Work does play into it as well, and currently I don't know how stable my job is. So I'm also afraid to make a move, then have to get a new job, and then have to move again.

Yet another extremely complicated dilemma in my life, which I must deal with, and not ignore. Speaking of.......I had a few good confrontations recently. Which I initiated. One about Calvanism/predestination, and another with someone I had to tell I am not interested in. Ouch. Hardcore. But it went well. It all did. Praise God or honesty, humility, and trust. Without it, I have a super hard time with confrontation.

This has been quite the all over the place and disjointed post. Guess that happens when you don't blog enough, and your life events begin to blurrrrrrrrrrr together!

This is what the maintenance manager found dying outside our building at work:


It was super small, but the first scorpion I've ever seen! too bad it was dying. A Friend/coworker and I are going to try to find some more.


This is Ryan Dahl. He's in our youth group. He's pretty much best friends with Kate and Abi. And he's the bad guy in the drama I'm in for VBS. He's pretty much awesome. For a 17 year old.

In other news. Congratulations to my sister Charity, for being accepted to Grand Canyon University! She starts September 1st, and I'm crazy happy and excited that she finally gets to go back to school!!!!! Woot!

Pain & Joy

My wisdom teeth were removed Thursday. The dentist has always been one of my biggest fears- I guess I just don't like someone drilling around in my mouth. Can you blame me? But since I have health insurance/dental for once in my life, I decided to take advantage of it. Wednesday I actually had a cavity filled, as well. Now that's all out of the way, I can focus on other fun things.....like getting another mole removed. No worries, just precautionary..... Hopefully!


this is me at home after the surgery. Thankfully, they were all in so it was a quick one and I didn't swell up a lot.

The best part of this ordeal is that my newfound friends, the Gelmans, came out to visit me. Not only did they drive all the way out from Sandy to Stockton, but they have 4 kids ages 5 and under. What friends! We rarely get visitors here because people for some reason seem to think it's our duty to drive in to visit them all the time, and somehow the friendship doesn't work both ways. But Kurt and Lea Gelman are troopers for sure!!! Lea is my new best friend in Utah- we have declared our undying love to each other. Grin. Seriously, though. Since all my other best friends and sisters now live in other states and countries, God truly has blessed me with her friendship. Even with her being a few years older and having 4 kids, we still connected way better than you could have planned. I am blessed.


I took Lea with me to Lagoon for my work Lagoon day a few weeks ago. This is us, after a long hot day of walking around, enjoying some of life's best: fruit.











Lea's true side comes out at youth group.










at the end of June, beginning of July, I went as a youth leader for the Challenge Conference, an Evangelical Free Church Of America youth conference that happens every two years. There were only 4 leaders, Lea and Kurt Gelman, and me and my friend Erik. Lea and I bonded. I pretty much poured out my heart with her- t'was good.







at youth group: Kurt is the youth pastor at church, and I babysit their 4 kids every youth night. Here I am with their youngest, Zion. He's adorable.





Now I'm just chillaxin at home, getting bored and catching up on The Office. My jaw hurts.

early morning and my coffee

some lovely trees from Hatley's and my hike, up Deseret Peak


me and my new sister in law, Ashley


I know how to have a good time dancing!













just to let you all know, I drink way too much coffee these days. ever since getting a job promotion to a desk, I've had copious amounts of coffee. daily. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get ulcers sooner than later. but it's just so hard to stay awake when just sitting at a desk all day!

recently when listening to a Relevant Podcast, they were interviewing one of their interns. he told them that when he started working there, he was surprised and kind of disappointed upon finding out that most of the work was just sitting at a desk, staring at a computer. and they all agreed that this is what the real world is like.

I'm not so sure I agree- at least, it doesn't have to be that way. not for everyone.

QUESTION: (imagine that being asked in a Dwight style tone) what do YOU do too much of?

strange, the pictures I randomly picked to use for this post........

awareness

I have just been made aware of at least 4 new friends blogs. huzzah!

Grace

if we fully understood grace, or even came close, I think we would often be so amazed and taken aback at God's love for us, that we would find it so much easier to be who he wants us to.

if we learned to apply grace towards others, in the same way God has for us, we would love in ways none of us could imagine.

why is the fairly simple concept of grace so difficult to move from theory to practice? sometimes I believe grace is hardest form of love for me to act on, and truly believe in my heart. do we honestly understand what it means to show a person grace, in the face of reality?

Question

Jim enters the office dressed as Dwight)
Jim: It's kind of blurry. (puts on the same glasses as Dwight's) That's better. Question: what kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False! Black bear.
Dwight: Now that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought—
Jim: Fact: bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: Bears do not—what is going on? What are you doing?



Bahahahahahahahahaha!

My Xanga

In order to make the most of my time, I won't be posting on here very often. I've had a Xanga blog for about four years and i truly regularly post there. I'm more connected to many friends on Xanga, so I'll stick with that for now.

So, if you care at all to see any pics or read my thoughts, try out Susanna's Blog and I will see you there!

Susanna

a moment like this

one of my best friends, Cassie, became Mrs. Jake Ulasich on Saturday. Woot! And I don't even have a picture of her in her stunning dress. Ah well. I shall have all the pictures from the photographer next week. (I do keep bragging about that, don't I?)

Elizabeth, Rebecca and I drove the 19 hour drive to Minneapolis, Minnesota on Thursday for the wedding and came back on Sunday. It was a fast, fun trip. Wish it could have lasted longer. Not my first time to Minnesota, but my longest time spent there. Some day, I want to live in Minnesota. If at least for a short while. I want to reside in Minnehaha, Minnesota. I mean, really. When asked where you live, you could respond with, "MinneHAHA! minnesota." then if the questioner wanted more details and asked, "yes, but which city?" you could again reply, MinneHAHA!" depending on how well you could use your voice to place the infliction on the "haha" portion, you could really throw them off. they would think you were amused by something right at the moment you were answering, and therefore they wouldn't realize you were actually telling them the answer. seriously. it would be rather amusing.

My younger sister Charity just turned 21 today. She also got engaged! I am thrilled and overjoyed for her. but a bit sad. I have not seen her at all this year, and every day keeps adding to the longest time we have ever been apart. we won't share a single moment together in 2007. crazy how these things work.

it seems to help me learn what it would be like if I were to go back on the mission field for a longer period of time. being home is nothing like I imagined, and my life does not seem to be here anymore. for the moment, I shall remain and keep paying off the hospital debt. but my heart is once again flying away. there are reasons, I suppose, why I was always so drawn towards things such as Hotel Rwanda, the ONE campaign, Invisible Children, and Inernational Justice Mission. that's the way God has formatted me, and I can't change that. no, not even my selfish desires for comfort and ease could ever change what God hath wrought in me. and I don't want it to, either. however hard it was to be in Brazil without and friends or family, I learned more there and grew more than I may ever have in my time in the states. I also saw God work in ways I always dreamed of, and I saw his heart in me and my coworkers. yes, it was good.

the one big roadblock remains.........with all my heart, I don't want to do it alone. either get married or go somewhere with Jes. She's thinking of a new country other than Indonesia, and oddly enough- I was thinking of the exact same one! but in all honesty. doing work like that is very, very difficult alone. my plea to God is to send me a like-minded mate. Miracles happen still, don't they? yes, they do. my brother is proof. Cas and Jake are proof. Luke Goodrich for Sarah is proof. ABBA ministries is proof. life is proof. so there's hope yet, Suasna!!!


next time, I'm going to don my aviators, and the first person I catch looking at me, I'm going to say in a smug sort of way with a toss of my hand- "oh, I'm a moviestar." that just explains it all, doncha know?

tea and rain

this week has been such a stay home, drink tea and get cozy sort of week. ohh, I love it! if only autumn didn't bring snow........next week, Minneapolis for Cas and Jake's wedding! I cannot believe it is finally happening! I am so incredibly happy for them both.

in other news......Charity says she and her boyfriend will be moving back to Utah. a dream come true? you better believe it!!!

middle ground?

how do you reconcile concerts, starbucks, hundreds of cds, DVDs, and the like with things such as poverty, injustice, starvation, AIDS? it seems there should be some sort of middle ground. somewhere you can be a christian who lives in this world, but is not of it. it seems you could live a passionate, christ-like life yet still be able to relate to the lost and the broken.

I can't find that place. or it feels like I cannot. it looks like I am always at one extreme or the other. do I never center myself in the middle? either I am passionate and gung-ho for Jesus and doing everything for him, or I feel jaded and angry and very self-centered. perhaps I am being too harsh. but I still find myself either wanting to live like zealot, on poverty and allowing nothing for yourself. or just doing whatever you want and only "getting by" spiritually. neither one seems to work. what's my problem?

when I read the scripture, it sure sounds like Jesus wants us to be gung-ho. but my vision of that seems more extreme than most. however, most of the time the christian church seems so apathetic, caught up in the druggery or life. I never wanted that, yet it seems I can't escape it. I had so many ideals, so many plans. but everyone who ever shared them is gone now. and I'm left feeling so worldy. so cynical. so......listless. passionless. this isn't the Susanna who used to be, and I don't like it. but everything seems to stifle and disappoint. yes, Jesus IS my all in all. but what if I don't see Jesus anywhere?

is that my problem? is it something wrong with me? I wanted to see him so much, I AM passionate!! but it was always smoothed over. nicely put in a corner where it wasn't heard. where it could be ignored.

I just don't know anymore. I want Jesus. I want his beauty, his glory, his majesty. I DO want to see miracles, people changed. I want to see hearts of fire, and unity. but I don't want this crap. and I don't know what to do.

well, well, well

it has been too long. far too long. what to say? went to Brazil and am now back. went to Pennsylvania, New York, Washington DC, Ontario Canada, Maryland, and Virginia. Travel, travel, travel. But now I am in Utah for a bit, working and the like. It is now fall. And I love it. Yes, I do dread winter. But autumn is simply fantastic.

I do miss my friend Jes La Bleu, who left for the Philippines on a two-year midwifery trip. But most of my family is here, and being with them is good. So good.

That's enough of a quickie for now. I will for surely positively update more eventually. Why, even before the year is out, I bet!

I leave you with me. Chillin with Jesus.

Cancer-Free!

I'm cancer free. they got it all. Praise God whom has healed me

baby? twins?? triplets???

Luke and Sarah Goodrich are eexpecting a baby. I am praying for twin girls. charity's praying for triplets. haha. are we mean?

oh, right. so chass is here. she came home with the fam and surprised me. boy, was I ever surprised! she's here for a week! hurrah!!!!

skin cancer

well.....it's worse. not deadly, but worse. they had originally said it was less than a millimeter deep, now it's 1.4. so they have to go back in and take more out, a centimeter's worth on all sides, about an inch deep. then they will check my lymph nodes to see if it spread to there. he said I have a 9/10 chance of it not being in my lymph nodes. we'll see. so far they say we've caught it in time, but, what if I end up being that 10th person? if it's in my lymph nodes, can I die from it? I'm not sure. I think I need to find out more.

I'm not exactly scared. or angry. sometimes frustrated. sometimes, "God, I don't want this. take it away." other times, "I would have insurance if I didn't work part time and I work part time cause of doing youth ministry." I guess that stems from everyone telling me not to blame myself. so who do I blame? my mind wants to blame someone. I know cancer just comes from the fall, our own sin. but it's hard to not have an actual, living culprit to blame.

this might change my plans. which is ok, I am completely used to having my plans go very differently than......planned. but, I thought they were nailed down by God. and I want change. I might explode if this makes me stay in utah for a lot longer......oh God, more patience please!!!!

I haven't told very many people at all. only about 4 people at work know. most of our church leaders. maybe 11 people in Ltitz, PA. a few friends and relatives in NY. 1 in Michigan. one in Colombia. . jes. family. a few youth. but not all the people I know from other churches, or the people in tooele county I know. there's so many people i could tell, but. i don't want to. I don't like a big deal made about me. I don't want to explain more than I already have to. i don't like the pity. but at the same time, i sometimes feel sorry for myself. I squelch that as soon as possible, but occasionally I want other's sympathy. then I don't. oh, what a female I am! don't tell my brothers and their friends. they get in enough jabs as it is....

I don't want this in my life. I just need to keep trusting God. but I feel so selfish: Britney lost an arm to cancer, Rico lost half a leg too a motorcycle accident. and here I am crying about a little cancer in my arm? but see, even writing that makes me cringe! cancer? in my arm?? I'm not even 22 and I have cancer?? sigh. it's beyond me.

whoaaa. I have not posted on here forever. I think I use xanga a lot more, then myspace a bit. I like this one because I think only Jacob ever reads it. then maybe some people I don't know. I'm trying to make Jacob forget I have this site, so that when I want to post about things that happen that relate to church and other utah events, he won't read it. I want this to be my private site that no one ever reads. why'd I ever tell anyone the link to this? ;)

40x365

#5

Gordon Burton:

I punched him once. he made me mad. always loud, often annoying. he found us on myspace- friends again.

#4x365 Caleb:

Caleb is my brother, two years older than I. He's the best guy friend I've ever had, the one who's been so dependable and trustworthy that I now have faith that there ARE guys out there you can trust. Caleb is nearly always in a good mood, his humour cannot be shaken. Always able to find the funny side of things, he's the kind of brother you can't stay mad at. Though he hasn't gone to college like other guys his age, he's learned so much in other ways, I respect him a lot more than most of his peers. Caleb is the kind of person you're lucky to be friends with.

#3x365 Lily

I met Lily through church; her dad, Peter Hoods, played the guitar. We were very little so my memory is vague, but I like lily very much- we got on well because we were both quiet. She was the eldest and had a few younger sisters whom she took care of occasionally. Quite responsible for her age. She wore her hair long and wore dresses constantly; I always thought it strange but it didn't bother me. last I heard, her parents were divorced, but we lost contact with them years ago. I've tried to search for her but so far, no suck luck.

#2 jes:

I met Jessica La Bleu when I was young, but don't remember her until she went to the same AWANA I did. We'd greet each other with an enthusiastic "I know you!!!!!" every time we saw each other.

Currently jes is working in Indonesia (Borneo) as a teacher/everything else they need. I miss her more than anything- besides my family, jes is the most important person in my life. I recently told the girls in the Discipleship group I lead that jes has the kind of inner beauty that causes all other external beauty to pale in comparison-when jes is in a room and speaks, people listen. jes has the power of God glowing through her, and to all those tall, pretty, popular girls with the big lips who tried so hard to be cool and could sometimes make mediocre girls feel inferior at times: you have nothing on jes la bleu. she moves mountains while you're still looking for that perfect someone. jes, you truly are more amazing than my words can express. just know, you are the kind of woman Proverbs describes.