it's life, Jim. but not as we know it.

sometimes, certain things or memories pop up in my mind, and I selfishly desire my life and my family to be back to the way it was. before everyone was taken out or away from me. but when I get over my nostalgia, my resistance to changed relationships, my hurt feelings, my loneliness- whatever it was that struck me in that moment, I often bring myself into contemplation of what God has done through me, to me, and with me- throughout the difficulties of changes.

I'm so amazed at the things I'm able to do, to strive for, to plan, to stand up to. but none of it would have happened sans God, or with the crutch of siblings. He truly knows what He's doing, when he takes certain things from us. "He gives and takes away// He gives and takes away// my heart will learn to say, Lord blessed be Your name" -c.t. that song is oft crushingly bittersweet to me, yet remains the constant reminder to me that He alone truly IS my all in all. and that is the sweetest thing, the most astounding truth my mind can seem to grasp. that God IS all I need. He IS my provision. without a job, constant moving from one place to the next- never my own home, but always staying momentarily in other's homes. a constant ebb and flow of attempting to achieve, but never seeing the results.

all this tends to sound like self-pity. well it's not. it's one of those other reminders, that as rough as it may be for me, Christ also went though it. "birds have nests, and foxes have dens" but the Son of God was a homeless man.

I love that my Jesus experienced any trial or difficulty that i shall ever encounter.
I love that God keeps me in a constant state of refining fire, always reminding me the need to be purified.
I love that I feel so out of place, no matter which group of people I commune with, because it reminds me I actually do not belong.
I love that since I chose to re-offer my heart and soul to Jesus, my passion and purpose has been re-ignited in ways unthinkable.
I love that God has provided relationships that bless me and encourage my heart, but that He's also provided relationships where i am able to speak into other's lives, and love them, as well.
I love that through practically every experience I have in life, humanity is constantly in my face, teaching me lessons of pride, humility, selfishness, compassion, faith, love, joy, patience- essentially, I learn of my own selfish desires, while at the same time, learning to be filled with the compassion, grace and mercy that Christ has given me.
I love that He's shaping my dreams, my goals, my plans- that He is the center of them all.
I love that He's enabling them to come true!
I love that when my heart becomes sad or hurt, I've learned to give my thoughts and mind back to God and allow His purposes to be more eminent and real.
I love that I am content and joyous in life, rather than feeling overwhelmed by hopelessness and wanting it al to just quickly end.
most of all, I simply love Jesus. in ways that words truly cannot express. So......

"listen to our hearts. hear our spirits sing. listen to the songs of praise that flow, from those you have redeemed. we can use the words we know, to tell you what an awesome God you are. but words are not enough, to tell you of our love, so listen to our hearts."

:: bless the Lord, O my soul. and all, that is within me bless His holy, name ::