alone and cozy

(Elizabeth in Hawaii)

I just watched Garden State. on my laptop, alone in my room. I feel so cozy and content, with my $10 Wal Mart pillow.

I've been sick the last few days, so my head is all stuffed up.

I'm excited to sleep in tomorrow.

I didn't agree at all with Plugged In's review of Garden State, but hey- what's new? I think they want clean films that are always family friendly and happy endings. unfortunately, that's not life. and real life tends to keep me in reality check mode- and confronting the hard stuff.

The Halford Pout comes out!

I've been rollerblading with a coworker after work a few days this week, and I'm happy he suggested it, because it's going to be a good way to start getting back in the groove. it's also opened me up to approaching people and issues at work with a fresh perspective, and I'm excited about where that may go. I am praying my heart and mind continually stays focused and centered in God, in order to be a good ambassador. In all honesty, I can think of a few instances this week where I chose to act or respond to coworkers in ways that I subconsciously felt that they would appreciate. Ug. I hate those random moments where I unintentionally attempt to be what I think others might like. Where did the unique, "Susanna doesn't care what YOU think about her, because Jesus is who she serves" person go in that moment? I don't like myself when I do that. Like laugh at a worthless, crude joke. Or smile when someone says something cruel and cutting about a former employee. That's not of Jesus. That's not love. That's not what I want to be.

So. Next step, confess my sins, confront and repent. And fill my heart and mind with love......to be ever sensitive to the souls that God loves just as much as myself. even those beastly people in over-sized, gas guzzling trucks who tailgate you when you're already stuck behind slow people. rawr.


in Page, Arizona

Caleb's Story

I was going to blog about this myself, but I feel that my brother did a better job than I could ever do. So, here are Caleb's thoughts regarding the Jr. Jazz game he coached on Saturday: (Below are all the words of Caleb Metzger)


I would like to tell you a heartwarming story and it has nothing to do with pregnancy or babies. Ashley is grateful for the break in pregnancy blogging overload.

Yesterday I had a Jr. Jazz game to coach. We were only going to have 4 players show up and the rule is that you must have a fifth player by the time halftime ends or you have to forfeit the game. The 2 players we were missing were 2 of our best, so even if a fifth player showed by halftime chances were dismal that we could make a game of it.

The game started and the 4 players on our team kept the game close through the first quarter. They even had a 6-5 lead at one point. The quarter ended at 13-9 in favor of our opponents. We had word in the second quarter that Micah Metzger, a potential 5th player, was nearing the gym but still a ways away. I used all 4 of our timeouts in the 2nd quarter to stop the clock. That wasn't giving us enough time so we committed 4 fouls in the last 2 minutes to keep the clock stopped as well. Then in a moment of genius, our team was going to have an inbounds pass. I told the kid to not pass it in, but hold it, take the turnover, and buy us a few more seconds. No one seemed to know what was happening with this and it took about a minute for the other team to assemble and get the ball in. As valiantly as the 4 players played halftime hit and we were losing 23-11. Halftime was winding down and we wondered if we would have our 5th player in time, just so we could finish the game. With 53 seconds left someone yelled, "there's Micah!" He ran in and that got quite the ovation.(Think Derek Fisher a few years back for the Jazz) Our team started quickly, having the correct amount of players will do that for you, and cut the lead to 6 in the first 3 minutes. Right then something happened that could have ruined the team's morale. One of our best defensive and rebounding players fouled out. This meant we had to finish the rest of the game with 4 players, and we had the full 5 players for only 3 minutes of a 40 minute game! The ref turned to me and said, "If you pull this one out, it'll be a miracle." Our team fought back playing excellent defense and scoring just enough to have the game tied as the fourth quarter ended. This meant we would go to a 3 minute overtime. In the extra period, Micah made a jump shot and a free throw and the other team could only muster a single free throw! At the end of a 43 minute game we had played 40 minutes with one fewer player and in this age group there should be no way to win against those odds. Alas, the score stood at 35-33 in our favor!!! The team and fans were pumped! After the dust had settled and the broken pieces of the opposing team's hearts were swept up, I took a look at the score sheet. In the 23 minutes that Micah had played, our team outscored the other team 24-10, with only 4 players! Micah had personally scored 20 points in those 23 minutes. He had doubled the other team's output in the time he played.

This is a team that does not have the most talent I have coached and probably not the most talent in our league. Athletically, they are not the most gifted team. But they play with the most heart and best teamwork of any team I have seen at this age level. They have finished the regular season with a 7-1 record, only losing to a Dugway team that has played together for a long time. If you want to see some awesome basketball, be at Clark Johnson Jr High in Tooele, Wednesday at 7pm.

I awoke from my sleep early the next morning dreaming that we were playing again and my heart was racing so much that I couldn't fall back to sleep. On the same note, Ashley woke up dreaming about hamburgers, huge chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and having to choose between chili and french fries!!! Oh the excitement of our lives!

perfect day

this weekend was amazing. I stayed home fri and sat alllll day, except sat I went to Micah's nail biting Jr. Jazz game. which he won. and only 4 players most of the game. it was awesome. I went to 2 jazz games this week, most notable of course was the celtics. soo fun.

today I went to k2 the church with josiah, talked to an jeff loomis, talked to kyle korver, and headed over to oasis. I was met with a huge surprise of jon gerhardt, spenser holiday, and shalom AND bethany, and anne claire, and mara, joly, holly, etc. omg. it was like youth group flashback. i wanted to cry. I got to see so many people today I love and have missed, and with NO bitterness. God's forgiveness, and healing grace is mind-boggling.

so the oasis young adults group went to play wally ball for a few hours, that was a blast. then quick stop for coffee with jacob, nira, and david- where nira spilled her soda all over the car, and jacob nearly ran a red light. scaring us to death!

next, we had a meeting with shannon and tammy mcneil, concerning a drama we are putting on soon called "coffee shop talks". it's basically addressing the "taboo" subjects people don't talk about in church. I'm really excited for it, and super glad they're including me in it. I was actually able to share my heart for a bit, and that was sweet.

then I went to dinner with jacob, nira, and david. I shared with them why I left Oasis, which was so freeing, and I felt a deep heart connection with them. they received it very graciously, and encouraged me as I make preparations for the next step.

then I went over to some new friend's house, to watch the academy awards with them. two of us had no idea what was going on, and the other one knew little. but we had fun, and I got to know them a bit better.

all in all, I felt like God brought about some more heart-felt honesty today, some more healing and reconciliation. it's a sweet experience for sure. but as more healing takes place, the more of a struggle I have with where I belong in the church body. with community now at four different fellowships, I'm not sure where I should be. maybe i will forever be the roving little social butterfly Brook has tagged me as.

seriously though. who is this susanna, and where did the old one go? I have a boldness and social network that I would have never believed could exist, just 10 years ago.

all things are possible with God, eh? He certainly has made me new!

GO JAZZ!

The Jazz won. They beat Boston. (Best record) And I was there.

Life is good.

:: along came a spider, and sat down beside her ::

THAT was metaphoric. I have had spiders come along, and "sit" beside me, but I cannot remember the last time it happened. So, metaphorically speaking, a spider has sat down beside me. And it is causing me grief. mmm.....perhaps we had better take a few steps back, and start at a more logical time.....

The last few months have flown by, much quicker than any winter I can recall. (This is good, very good!)It can be attributed in part to working full time, taking classes full time, and having full time friendships- many, many wonderful people to fill my sparse time! But the biggest factor is God. And my heart. And how my heart is much more in tune with God. I LOVE it!


See, I intentionally chose to begin some reconciliation with old friends. Before leaving for Brazil, my heart had become hardened, bitter, and cold towards some people. Many of them didn't and still don't realize why- unfortunately, I don't always share when I should. Regardless, I had essentially been holding grudges against a lot more people than I realized. So, one by one, (or two by two, since some are married.)I forgave in my heart, let it go, and initiated a reestablishment of our past friendship. There are still a few more to go, the two hardest and most scary ones included, but I'm trusting that God WILL make everything work together for good.

Amazingly, every time my heart forgave a person, it felt like that bit of my heart was restored. You have no idea how much more alive I feel now, compared to even as recent as October. It feels like I have new eyes, new lungs, a new spirit. I experienced a week of absolute beauty and glory in December- a fantastic sunset three nights in a row, shooting stars twice in the same week, fabulous talks with friends that revealed to me God's heart is truly touching the people in my life, and a new-found passion for Jesus. I saw beauty in the snow, in babies again, in the architecture of buildings, and the warmth of a fire. During this time, I seriously felt like I was on a spiritual high- I kept going, and going, and going. Little sleep, and tons of busyness- yet I never crashed. In fact, I still haven't! (Although, I feel I am getting sick, which is a good sign that I am pushing myself too hard.)

God's been so good to me, and the past few months, through the whole process, I keep finding myself seeing all the blessings he's given me. It's as though before, I was so consumed with myself, with all I wanted or thought was best for me, that I had forgotten to see with the eyes of Jesus. And now.......

One of the best things I've realized is how many amazing friends I have. Not just friends, but best friends. True "till death" type friends. Brook, Jes, Lea, Elizabeth, Rebecca, Shana, Hatley, Cassie, Lydia, Julia...what is so truly amazing about this, though, is that when I was 16, I constantly begged God for a friend. Just one close friend. And I never got one, not till a few years later. I know that whether that was God's specific plan or not, he did use it in my life. It forced me to go to Him, and Him alone. He was my sole comfort and strength. Though I falter at times, and revert back to man's opinions and expectations, I still have that strong foundation he created in me nine years ago. And now,I can revel in the joy of sharing life with some awesome girls who love me.





What's even better......because of my heightened desire for God, and my joy in my friendships, i have realized one singular, incredible fact:

I am. Content being single. Not to say I don't want to Marry some day, etc, etc, etc. But for once in my life, I am not plagued by constant longing for a relationship. Holy freaking cow! That is AMAZING!

So that's been my heart. I've also witnessed a few reconciled relationships with other people, which I would never have imagined- definitely, all the glory goes to God. It brings a smile to my face, and I look forward to seeing more of this to come.

My adventures.........

I drove down to Page, Arizona for a weekend to meet up with Shana. She's doing a Physical Therapy Clinical in Sierra Vista, so we met up halfway to hang out. It was a blast, refreshing, and beautiful. We saw Antelope Canyon, which I quickly realized is very famous, but I had no idea where it was. I captured some great shots of the place, which made my day.










The following weekend, I flew to Hawaii to visit Zac and Brook. It was a bit of a last minute decision, and I actually told few people about it. (Hey, I like keeping some things in confidence!) Elizabeth flew in the same day, and I was there for most of her visit. We packed in tons of adventures: Pearl Harbor, the downtown beach area, drinks at the Red Lion, the swap meet, snorkling, a couple of hikes, a visit to the north shore to take some fun beach pics, (for the use of photoshoping later, heheheheh!) a sunset dinner cruise with the most annoying tour guide EVER. We also visited the Dole Plantation, and ate Pineapple ice cream- then Elizabeth led us through "2001's World's Biggest Maze"! She was great. Oh, and yum! We also bought some fresh fruit and ate that at the beach. We played Rockband one night, and I will tell you. I hate snowboarding, and I hate Rockband.



We stayed on Oahu. It was terribly touristy. But I went solely to spend some quality time with Zac and Brook, and get some warm weather. I scored very highly in both areas. It was hard to come home to a snowy airport.......




Now that I'm back, I'm trying to stay warm, enjoy spending hours upon hours of sanding doors at work, keep up on schoolwork, and spend time with my friends. On Friday, I went Rock climbing at Rockreation with Rebecca, then snowboarding with Lea and her friend Melissa, then to Brewvies with Dan, Keith, Jacob, and Elizabeth. We saw an interesting documentary type film on David Frost and Richard Nixon, regarding (duh) Watergate and Frost's interviews with Nixon. I had never realize what a conceited man Nixon was.......

Saturday, I went to the World Cup Bobsled races with my friend Leigh and her coworker Leah. Wow, it was frigid up there in Park City! It was neat to see, it was my first time, but wow. Cold. Did you know, Salt Lake is bidding on another winter olympics? you have to wait 12 years, so that would be 2014. And since Lake Placid and Utah are the only places in the USA that have the bobsled facilities, well, we seem to have a good shot! (and plenty of money to pass around...) Then I headed to a game night at Cassie and Jake's, where the married couple hosted all the singles without dates for V-day! Thanks, guys! You're the greatest! It was the best V-Day since 2004, when a bunch of YWAM guys gave all the girls roses and foot massages. heh.

I hope this is enough for now. I'm beginning to run out of thoughts, myself. Enjoy!

(oh. the grief I mentioned at the top? that's going to have to be for another post. :)


(this one's for you, Charity!)

I heart U

Charity, this photo is for you:




ps. yes, it's been ages since I posted. I have tons to write about. But it shall all have to wait, until after Hawaii.

Cheers!

10 fast facts

I know most of you won't care, but Anberlin played a live acoustic show at Graywhale CD last week. I took a bunch of photos and video with my phone. It was pretty much sweet.

1. “Gone” By Switchfoot- This song always reminds me of Seth Minnis, Caleb Metzger, Paul Stoeckl , and Charity (Metzger) Johnson. Why? One of you tell me!

2. I’m working on my VERY LAST assignment for this semester tonight. A research project on Uganda. I’m pretty confident I’ll have a straight-A semester. I’m not an over-achiever at all……..

3. I already ordered textbooks for my next two classes- is Understanding Art and Adobe Photoshop really “school”? Bring it on!

4. I am so pleased to have been able to share my overabundance of (nalgene) water bottles with others- now bff Lea Gelman has two for her household! (Speaking of…. I accidentally left my favourite red nalgene at the Roasting Company last Tuesday. I realized halfway out to Stockton, but thanks be to Jes, I had the SLRC Office phone number in my phone. She had my phone while I was in Brazil, and it stayed-even through three more phones! So I called them, they put it behind the counter for me, and I picked it up on Friday. Yay Jes!)

5. I’m procrastinating on this project……

6. I only work Monday and Tuesday, and then am off till January 5th. Hooah!

7.Thanks to God, I am also housitting during that time, so a little income will still be generated.

8. I paid $14.00 for gas last night. That’s a far cry from the $45 I maxed at during the summer. What an odd recession.

9. I interviewed an English man on skype today for a school assignment. It was great fun, and we’ve never even met. Technology is fabulous.

10. Currently I really, really, really miss: Brook Halford, Elizabeth Moore, Rebecca Moore, Shana Simon, Lydia Hong, Julia Blessing, CHARITY, Sarah and Luke Goodrich, Jesse Ambrose, the Smoak family, and definitely not least, Jes La Bleu.

Now I must really attend to that project………Tchaou! Beijos!

*ahem*

yes! postage time! (as in posting on the blog, not the expensive stickers we put on envelopes to eventually just throw away.)

This post is my shout out to Cas*. Smiles. A great friend, who's been there for me, even though we both have long moments of busyness. we keep coming back to each other, and I'm so happy we're still friends.

today I went to E-Vin. I felt like I was going home. At home. So strange, but of course so normal. Bob and Karen naturally are very special and important to me, and the vast amounts of old friends (some who knew me as a child!) who are part of that Church just felt so comfortable. I got to see Lisa and Casey again for the first time in years, and Cas- I love Casey's humor. Haha. I've missed them. Missed them all. It was good to be a part of it. I've realized that my intellect is EVFree, but my heart is Vineyard. And what, might I ask, is most important to God? Well, as I've been learning in my Old Testament History class, it's definitely the HEART. So.......what now? My heart's been healed. Relationships are fast being reconciled and revived. I'm over the past, moved on, and bursting full of life again. My desire and passion is for God. Now where to apply that? My first thought is, "where I'm most needed, and can be used most, duh!" But I'm going to have to give this to Him- because maybe it's just the comfort aspect, the "what I'm used to" and the old friends that is so tantalizing. But man, oh man. The vision, the dance, the WICKED AWESOME WORSHIP! And the need. So inviting. And I feel myself. And accepted. And that it would be ok for me to say "I don't agree with this aspect because of this". or for me to do a very typical Metzger thing, and for everyone to be chill with it. Because they KNOW me.

Yes, part of that IS a comfort zone issue. But also, if relationships are already THERE, and established, maybe it makes more sense to remain (or return, in my case.) to what He's given me. (Now that I'm in a solid place.) So many questions. So much change. So many uncertainties. But.......God. He is. And He is GOOD.

Today was Arts day at E-Vin. There was drama, poems, dance, paintings, watercolours, photography, and song. Cas* asked me to contribute, so I choreographed a dance to one of Josh Craner's songs, off his new album. Called Always. I also wrote a poem and read it. Oh, and the theme was "Freedom". So of course, Gabe/Bob/Seth played Freedom Song. And Cas* and I danced. In the back. By Casey, who of course gave us a hard time. Heheh. Good times.

So here's the poem. The dance....I was gonna have Abi film it on my camera, but alas. I forgot it. They filmed it there, so maybe I can get ahold of it eventually to share. If not, next time you see me, I can perform for you. Grin.



..:: Freedom ::..

Freedom is to be alive
Fully
To dance
Wholly
Loving in depths unknown
Singing in unabashed completion
Enveloped in passion and purpose.
Praise despite uncertainties and trials.
Freedom is to BE.

But before, there was bondage.
Before the light, there was darkness.
Chains holding, restraining, defying.
Though you battled, you still lost.
Despair, confusion, hopelessness.
Despondent. You were.
Lost, alone, hurting,
And weak.

Yet the truth WAS.
It was there, it broke through.
Death gave way to LIFE.
New life; new hope.
The truth came, and set you free.

Now there is joy
There is real peace
Eyes seeing clearer than ever before
Seeing, in piercing gaze that goes
Through the trivial, and
Understands
The realities.

Now, there is energy
To move, to breath in deeply, and deeper still.
You FEEL
In your heart
In your mind
In your soul
Your senses awake
Your senses are WHOLE.
Your heart bursts, vividly, colourfully
Aflame with love
It beats, it moves
It’s in the rhythm
It was meant to keep.

You are free
The truth is HE.
Freedom is to BE.
Freedom is.
Freedom is HE.
Be. Indeed,
Be free, in He.

sm² 12-13-08

" :"

*ahem*

..:: hardships ::..

my heart has known
pain
and sorrow.
my heart has felt
suffering
the sadness.
almost breaking
nearly failing
crying out
for relief.
my heart has known
such terrible darkness
overwhelming
and deep
blackness, despair.
Yet
You have known all this, too
You have traveled
this same road
You know
You have seen
You are there.
sm 11/30/08


(inspired during Pastor Steve Clark's sermon on Acts 28:1-16)

smatterings

charity and I in our favourite pose ever, "look at the stars!!!"
a few months ago, actually a day or two before halloween, Abi and I went to hollywood connection again to try out the photo booth. and see if mr. creepy stilt legs clown was there. with Micah's help, we got the photo booth to (finally!) work, and this is the result. the clown was not there, so no scares.

peace on earth and goodwill towards men

currently in Lake City, Colorado with Charity and Jordan. Josiah and I drove up here Wednesday. it's been the best "holiday" since.....Easter. ha. I woke up to "pretty" snow falling today. I've been catching up on sleep. Having some good conversations with the other three. Crying during war movies. Doing homework. Laughing at Jordan. Pretty chill.

Peace.

earth-shattering

my life is going to change. there's nothing I can do about it, because it's coming no matter what. whether it ends up being very small, or something drastic, the ball of change is rolling at me at a rapid speed. there's no avoidance anymore. no uncertain procrastination. being unsure of what will honor God most, what will glorify Him best, all I can do is say: (repeat after me) "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6. Proverbs 3:5-6. Proverbs 3:5-6. Proverbs 3:5-6, Proverbs 3:5-6 Proverbs 3:5-6 Proverbs3:5-6proverbs35-6proverbs356.........breath.

when exactly does one reach the point where one has transferred the burden, the worry, onto God? how does one know when one has reached that point? or is it much like sanctification, a daily, often hourly occurrence?

in other news. I am ashamed of myself. utterly ashamed and disgusted. after all I claim to believe, support, and desire: I failed to listen to the Holy Spirit TWICE, in the very same place, two weeks in a row. What a little hypocrite.


she stood there. on the same corner they always stand, rain or shine,when these events take place. but now, my heart was changed. something should be different. a new occurrence, a brand-new outcome. there's compassion now. a desire to give. to serve. closer, closer she gets, as my feet travel her direction. her eyes. alive? dead? dull and empty? or a glimmer of hope remaining?

the moment has arrived. something must happen. only two choices. what is right, and what is wrong. many options for what is right, and also many unknowns. only one option for what is wrong: just walk away.

what's this?? the latter? no, no! that's not what you want! why? why do you ignore, pretend you did not see her pain, her suffering, her need. she is He. He is waiting. looking. Hoping. yet, selfishness wins. fear, of what the others (others who are just as unknown and nameless anyway!) may think. fear of pointing, whispers, stares. so you turn. you give in to the evil. continue on your way, betraying all you say you stand for.

she is still there. remaining. in need. desperate. you are so blessed, your life is plentiful. yet fear wins, and you remain selfish. despicable.

she is gone. you seek her out, but your chance is gone. wait....what? now it's him- another one in need. do it, do it! there's not much time/see his eyes? he's in need/he is human/he is Christ/He is pleading.

again? twice in two weeks, twice in one night? the fear of man, the fear of the unknown wins, over the desire and knowledge of what is good/true/lovely/blessed? you are weak. you need Him, more than even they. O, that He would have mercy on your poor and selfish heart!!!
sm²

Oh God! Forgive me. Show me mercy; give me another chance. I have grieved you, and that grieves me. Forgive me, Father!

dreams be dreams

a few night ago, I dreamt about eggs. last night, I dreamt about fantasy basketball and that dancing queen took the lead and beat me.

a. good thing she didn't- now i'm in second place!

b. I'm not so sure how I feel about dreaming about fantasy basketball......

I think everyone who claims to be my friend MUST read "Jesus for President" by Shane Claiborn. Now.

"One of the latest additions to the English dictionary is "Meh," the phrase of apathy. It speaks highly of our society when that word has entered the social consciousness enough to make it into the dictionary. Isn't it exciting? Meh ..."
Relevantmagazine.com

11/17/08 | 06:04

haha. so true.

:: essay ::

In my Intercultural Communications class, I needed to answer the following discussion question. Why, when answering a mere question, do I end up with an essay, and when asked to write an essay, I struggle to reach the minimum word count? (Answer: If the subject matter is myself, the words do tend to flow!!!!) I felt like all the hard work shouldn't go to waste, so here is a copy of my thoughts.

Choose at least four of the identities discussed in Chapter 4 of your textbook. What is the label that describes you in each of these identities? How does having that set of labels affect you in your communication with others?



Gender Identity:

I am a female. This is an identity I embrace, yet cringe at- both in the same breath. I love being feminine, feeling free to cry or experience pain in a tender-hearted way. I feel womanly when I put on lipstick, I love knowing intuitively how someone is feeling and what they need emotionally. But at the same time.........I grew up with many male friends who discriminated against me because I was a "girl". They challenged my intelligence, my athletic abilities, my sense of humor, and my abilities to lead. Every week I experience one form or another of gender-discrimination, whether it be a friend from church asking all the "guys" to help carry heavy musical equipment, male friends in a Bible study asking Theological questions and only really listening to the other men answer, or one of the most frustrating ones: playing ANY sport with a group of males, and rarely being included in the game simply because they don't pass the ball to me.


My communication with others is affected by this label in a variety of ways: I feel empowered to assist someone, when I can tell what their emotional needs may be. I have an inner strength and calm in this, and enjoy just being there for someone to lean on. I feel the heavy weight of inequality, however, in other settings, and it frustrates me and often angers me to the point of being incredibly aggressive (in order to PROVE my ability) or I quit frequenting those groups because I can't get past their prejudices.




Racial Identity:

I am White. A very uninteresting, caucasian saturated white. I am neither proud of or embarrassed by this label. (Based just on the label itself, not what historic connotations it might imply.) I know without a doubt I HAVE lived a life with special privileges and freedoms, simply because I am white. I have rarely experienced any racism directed towards me, and what little I have, it was generally more out of curious ignorance, rather than hate-inspired racism. I cannot identify with people of different cultures in this regard, because I have never truly been targeted unkindly by my whiteness. Even when spending an afternoon in a mall in DC, where 99% of the people (outside of my own group!) were black, none of them even seemed to notice. It was my friends and I who noticed we were the only whites. Base on this, although I can seek to understand and be respectful of those of different ethnic backgrounds, my communication with them is limited, because I can never truly understand what it's like to be in their place. Unless, of course, I move somewhere where whites are prejudiced against. (Even then, though, you have the ability to go places where you aren't.)


Class Identity:

I am lower-middle class. I grew up as the 4th child, in a 9 children home, and my father was a bus driver, who made $40,000 a year. My family was essentially near the poverty line, considering my father's income. Because of the lifestyle this forced me to live, I can identify fairly well with lower-class persons. I rarely owned anything new, we ate the cheapest healthy food my mom could find, and had no money for vacations. My parents had absolutely no money to put aside for college, cars, or anything of that nature. My siblings and I work our way through college, purchase our own vehicles, etc, without help from our parents. I currently attend a church where the majority of the attendees are much more well-off than I am. I am a youth leader in the youth group, and most of the students are rich. It is extremely hard to identify with them, to relate to them, and converse about some things. My life experiences have taught me things that some of these students may never understand, and that barrier is often frustrating to me. I find it a breath of fresh air to be in communities (often regarded as "white-trash" or "trailery") where the people are poor. They understand hardships and pain, and I can identify and communicate with them more freely.


Age Identity:

I am 24 years old. I live in Utah, where the average age of marriage is around 21. I am still single, not even dating, in fact. In Utah, at 24 you are either in college, (or almost finished) or married with a child on the way. I grew up in a large family, so I had many experiences where I had to mature quickly, learn to care for children early on, and deal with financial burdens. These things did not happen to my friends, so it set me apart, even at 19. I also took a break from college at 22, and I felt the pressure from all around to either marry or finish school. From most people's point of view, there are no other options in life. However, I was the Youth Ministry Coordinator at my church for a while. I ran programs and took charge of events where I was in charge of, and spiritually leading, broken and hurting teenagers. This made me grow up very quickly, while most of my peers were doing other things. I have worked full time since the age of 19, and continue to do so while finishing my "college" education.

Being 24 in Utah, and still single, not finished with College, but having the life experiences I have had, create a mixture of communication difficulties for me. I can relate to older adults in some ways, but not on levels of marriage and child-rearing. I can relate again to college aged peers in some aspects, but in others, (like living in a foreign country and caring for three street girls) my life story is put together in such an a-typical way that I often feel barriers. I cannot communicate to females in my circles who are married, with children, and have never pursued higher education. Our minds, thoughts, and real-life situations are so starkly different that it becomes awkward and sometimes painful to me. I work with their male-counterparts, and have deeper friendships with them, (based on career and/or education) and this hinders my communication with them.


All of these complex aspects of my own personal labels affect my communication with others. In some ways, the communication gets blocked completely. In others, I can learn from people and prepare for my future from this new knowledge. In some aspects, my communication is frustrated to the point of needing to explain the complexities to those i am unable to communicate with, in order for them to understand my perspective. All in all, I can see how each label truly defines part of who you are, and affects your interactions with others.

Prosphatos

We had a game night tonight at Jake and Cassie's. And, well guys. It's just not the same without all of Prosphatos there. So, my dedication goes out to none other than Elizabeth and Rebecca Moore. WE MISS YOU!!!

I want to live in a hole.

good//gracious???? (or not so good. or gracious)

:: well I'm proud to be a Christian, when at least I know who's King. And I won't forget, the man who died for me. And I'll proudly stand up! Next to HIM. And defend my Christ today. 'Cause there isn't a doubt, I love this Man......God bless the Lord of All!!!! ::




Bahahhahaha. Cheesy to the max. But I'm so freakin' sick of all the Christamerican mumbo jumbo, that I want to hurl all over the "God Bless America"'s that I hear. And all the hate-monging Christapublican garbage being smeared across Jesus' heart. Good heavens! God never called us to attack each other, or the opposite political party. Let's have it for a little lovin' and grace and mercy, for the sake of all that is Holy!!!!! (and quit tarnishing that which IS Holy!!!)

Dear me. Jesus for President. All the way. James 1:27.

for Charity

being the only one who asked why my day was glorious, (on Saturday, October 4th) this post is solely dedicated to none other than Charity!

On Saturday, October 4th, I awoke to the sound of rain. This doesn't happen to often, although it's the most lovely way to waken. I look forward to it, yearly. Easing into the day with the cozy sound of rain outside, I got ready in record time, and took Micah to bowling. There was just enough time to make coffee, so I enjoyed that during the ride. I happily gazed at low clouds while listening to 90.9, KRCL. MMM. Fantastic. And still cozy.

At the bowling alley, I had my book, Jesus for President by Shane Claiborn, and read that for a bit. I enjoyed some more coffee, talked with Delvin and Dustin, and said hi to Raida. (Remember Raida, Charity??!) Afterward, I took Micah to a friend's house, and I headed into Salt Lake. With KRCL. And more rain. The plan was to meet a new friend, Leigh, for lunch at her apartment. I was early, so I stopped by Salt Lake Roasting Company to A. Have more coffee. B. Read my book some more. It's often hard to focus on reading or homework at the Roast, because I enjoy people watching so much. I did this a little, but got a decent amount read. Ah, does that book ever resonate with me! It's like, wow. There ARE other people in the world who think/feel the way I do, besides the sole 5 people I grew up with. It makes me excited.

Meanwhile, rain continues. Time flies. Two other Christians are apparently meeting and reading stuff out of Corinthians. (I'm not nosey at all.....)I head over to Leigh's apartment, actually on the same street Sarah lived on. I.E., the best place to live!!! We had a great time together. I told her it was the FIRST time for me hanging out with an unmarried female since Liz and Bec left. That's at least a few months.....It made my day. We watched a movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles. It was ok. Fantasy, with my favourite boy actor, Freddie Highmore. We talked a lot, went hot tubbing, ate Stroganough, and enjoyed her brand new, classy black couches. The hot tubbing was at the complex, and it was still raining. Might I suggest trying hot tubbing outdoors in the rain? It's amazing.

Next, after saying our goodbyes, I headed off to meet ANOTHER single female for MORE coffee! I picked Hatley up at her house, and we went over to Beans and Brews. I officially don't like Beans much, on a sidenote. We talked nonstop till the loud, annoying teenagers drove us away. We proceeded back to her house, with more conversation. Some things I told her about myself are things I've been reluctant to be honest about. Not like, living in rebellious, rotten sin or anything. But things that I truly desire, and believe, which I haven't been honest about to myself and others. For some reason I feel like I'm compromising to admit it to anyone. Having shared, it was a relief, and has made it easier for me to reflect on my heart and soul.

Getting late, I said my goodbyes, and drove home. The ride home was filled with silence, as I chose to just let my mind be still. I thought about my day, and decided it truly was, the most glorious day EVER. Why? Everything went perfectly well,I was at peace, I had FUN, I spent time with women in similar walks of life, it RAINED all day, and I actually was able to do things I wanted to, and enjoyed. It couldn't get much better than this!

so that, my dear sister, is why the day was so perfect. I think given my circumstances, nothing else possibly COULD have been any better. Plus, it rained.

ps. Only one small thing went wrong.....The "World's Greatest Boss" mug I bought off Ebay for my boss arrived, broken. Boo.




at the youth retreat from last weekend. I look like I'm having a hard time of it, hehe.

Susanna and Lea in Sacramento




For the sake of posting.......

FIRST ONE:ONE-WORD TAG BLAST! (tagged by Brook)
The rules are that you have to answer these questions with only a one-word answer.
1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Future
3. Your hair? Perfect
4. Your mother? hero
5. Your father? Around
6. Your favorite thing? outdoors
7. Your dream last night? Korver...
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? Glorify
10. The room you’re in? Office
11. Your hobby? Photography
12. Your fear? Alone
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Christ
14. What you’re not? Republican
15. Muffins? BRAN!
16. One of your wish list items? Contentment
17. Where you grew up? Utah
18. The last thing you did? Celery
19. What are you wearing? Business
20. Favorite gadget? P1i
21. Your pets? UGGG
22. Your computer? Amazing
23.Your mood? Energized
24. Missing someone? CHARITY
25.Your car? Reliable
26. Something you’re not wearing? Necklace
27. Favorite store? steepandcheap.com
28. Like someone? what
29. Your favorite color? RED.
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? awhile


7 things I can do: 1. Capture nature's beauty in a photograph. 2. Not speak to you for months. 3. Connect with teenagers. 4. Drive single men away. 5. Dance for hours. 6. Be alone for a long time, and enjoy it. 7. Drive in silence.

7 things I can't do: 1. Flirt. (have never known how.) 2. Play the drums. 3. Be "normal". 4. Play video games. 5. Stay focused without techological distractions. 6. Fully understand Calvinism and the Tulip Theory belief system. 7. Make people love me like I want them to.

7 things that first attracted me to Kyle Korver: (hahaha.) 1. He drives a Honda Civic. 2. He gives a lot of his money away. 3. He is friendly on court and treats people well. 4. Likes to eat peanut butter and jelly. 5. Has gone to Brasil and India for basketball without borders. 6. Spends time with inner city kids in Philly, and stays connected with them. (His Bible study with them continues there even without him!) 7. He plays the greatest sport ever, and on my favourite team ever!!! (Hey, you asked.)

7 things I say most often: 1. Cool. (I hate that.) 2. Sweet 3. Awesome. 4. As IF! 5. Nossa. 6. "One thing about me is,". 7. How 'bout them jazz?

7 favorite foods: 1. Mushrooms 2. Cereal 3. Coffee 4. Fruit 5. Vegatables 6. Soup 7. Cheese.

Now I tag 7 of my friends to do this..... (please do, I would love to hear what you say)Cassie, Jes, Elizabeth, Rebecca, Jenny Jordan, Sarah Hare, Sara Weikel.



Ryan Dahl, Susanna, Gregory Richardson, Mary Kate

:: what a glorious day ::

Today was the most brilliant, perfect day. Ever. Everything was beautiful from start to finish. Amazing.

So far, school is going well. Trying to balance the time of homework, work, and regular life gets rough. I'm not as busy with other activites now as I used to be durign school, and my grades show it. Sometimes though, when I get home from work, I'm not motivated to study at all. That's when I'll allow myself (it usually happens one night a week.) to watch my current Netflix film. :) Last night was one called "Four Days in September", about a revolutionary uprising in Rio de Janeiro in the 60's. (I think.) My film watching times consist of either lying on my bed or floor, with the curtains drawn tight, a blanket, a cup of tea, coffee, mixed drink, or a beer, a nalgene full of hot water for warmth, headphones if it's in English or Kate's music is too loud, and my phone close at hand. There is an art to the way I like to enjoy my films, and I'm getting pretty close to perfecting it. It's rather enjoyable, though when I first started I felt like a loser for always watching movies alone. Now I prefer it and look forward to it.

Well, it did the trick. Not only was it a moving and well made film, (I kinda cried.....) but it gave me motivation to get working. I got a lot done last night and Monday night, so I feel pretty good about that.

The film did, however, make me homesick- for Brazil. How does that work? I was in the location most-lived in during my life, feeling homesick for another country. Sigh. I don't understand myself. I think I'll just finish my cuppa.......

Fount of Wisdom

:: a man is not happy if he does not have what he loves; or if he has what he loves and it is hurtful; or if he does not love what he has, even though it is perfectly good. the happy life is 'when that which is man's chief good is both loved and possessed' :: Augustine




Look, Brook, look!!! Remember all our efforts to try and find a simple photo booth, and we constantly failed? Well, James and I found one at Boondocks in Draper! It wasn't broken or anything. So when you guys come back to visit, we need to go to Boondocks and use it!

(Abi and I tried the one at Hollywood Connection last year- it wouldn't take our money.)

My Heart ::will praise Him ::

Til I See You

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name

Hillsong United

I know I keep posting song lyrics and nothing else. There's not a lot more I could say right now......the songs capture my heart pretty well and they're all pretty much my daily anthems at this point. If I try to say more, it will most likely end in self-pity, and be pretty similar to where I've been before. So I'll let you enjoy the lyrical poetry that others have shared, and not my sorrows centered in a small, small world.

:: Praise God from Whom All Blessings flow! ::

The Stand

"The Stand"

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

And this song. By Hillsong United. Sooo good!

Mighty To Save

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save

Forever Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
And fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender I surrender

Savior He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

Savior He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x4)
(Mighty to Save, Hillsong United)

I love this song

My Song

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You’ve always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to Be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived life can be loved alone


:: Learn To Be Lonely (Phantom Of The Opera)::


so true.

mais de voce

Tonight Kurt Gelman and I decided that the claim of Michael Phelps being the greatest Olympian because of his medal count isn't well-grounded. Swimming has so many events, of course you can win loads of medals! Then you have people who do extremely difficult events, but only have a shot at one medal per Olympics. So it's not an appropriate comparison. He's great, don't get me wrong. But greatest Olympian EVER? hmm....

There's been far too much eating and speaking going on in my life today-now my jaw is as sore as ever. So, I took some more lortab to combat it. But then I spilled my coffee all over the floor and my hand. Tears may have been close at hand......

Tomorrow after work I head out to Destination Unknown......a youth event with my church, Salt Lake Evangelical Free. Funny thing about this said event, however. The only students signed up so far include my 3 youngest siblings, a few other homeschoolers, and 1 other kid who Lea says, "he is LIKE a homeschooler". So. We're in for a socially awkward, very eclectic trip.....to the unknown. Hmm. Wonder what will go down?

Speaking of church......(I listen to the Relevant podcast too much. the segway fascination has been rubbing off on me for sure!) I've been in a VBS drama for Sunday School the last few months. they split it up, instead of doing it for one week, they've been doing it on Sundays. I volunteered to Lea to be in the drama. And ended up with the lead role. It's been a lot of fun, but a lot of lines to memorize! The best part is, I play a Creation Scientist. My specialty! So i can basically get up on a soapbox, and it's real! well. not an actual, physical soapbox........more like, a real, figurative soapbox.....um. ya. I have to go. I have a food. in the oven.....



So I have a major dilemma. I need to move out by winter, for various reasons, but mostly because I can't live in Stockton and be involved in anything extensively. It's too time and fuel consuming. Plus, getting to work in the winter will be a bear. But all the housing options are not as ideal as I would like. In reality, all I want is to have my own place. Even if small and crummy. I'm so sick of having to move constantly, and into other people's homes. It's draining. And, it's my biggest struggle right now. Watching most of my friends and family get married and start a home together is painful- now, more so because of the home factor, and not the man factor. Good switch? Bad? I'm not sure. I've been avoiding the decision because I can't afford to live on my own, but dread having to accommodate myself yet again to a new household. Sigh. Anyway......I need help/wisdom/prayer in making this decision. Work does play into it as well, and currently I don't know how stable my job is. So I'm also afraid to make a move, then have to get a new job, and then have to move again.

Yet another extremely complicated dilemma in my life, which I must deal with, and not ignore. Speaking of.......I had a few good confrontations recently. Which I initiated. One about Calvanism/predestination, and another with someone I had to tell I am not interested in. Ouch. Hardcore. But it went well. It all did. Praise God or honesty, humility, and trust. Without it, I have a super hard time with confrontation.

This has been quite the all over the place and disjointed post. Guess that happens when you don't blog enough, and your life events begin to blurrrrrrrrrrr together!

This is what the maintenance manager found dying outside our building at work:


It was super small, but the first scorpion I've ever seen! too bad it was dying. A Friend/coworker and I are going to try to find some more.


This is Ryan Dahl. He's in our youth group. He's pretty much best friends with Kate and Abi. And he's the bad guy in the drama I'm in for VBS. He's pretty much awesome. For a 17 year old.

In other news. Congratulations to my sister Charity, for being accepted to Grand Canyon University! She starts September 1st, and I'm crazy happy and excited that she finally gets to go back to school!!!!! Woot!

Pain & Joy

My wisdom teeth were removed Thursday. The dentist has always been one of my biggest fears- I guess I just don't like someone drilling around in my mouth. Can you blame me? But since I have health insurance/dental for once in my life, I decided to take advantage of it. Wednesday I actually had a cavity filled, as well. Now that's all out of the way, I can focus on other fun things.....like getting another mole removed. No worries, just precautionary..... Hopefully!


this is me at home after the surgery. Thankfully, they were all in so it was a quick one and I didn't swell up a lot.

The best part of this ordeal is that my newfound friends, the Gelmans, came out to visit me. Not only did they drive all the way out from Sandy to Stockton, but they have 4 kids ages 5 and under. What friends! We rarely get visitors here because people for some reason seem to think it's our duty to drive in to visit them all the time, and somehow the friendship doesn't work both ways. But Kurt and Lea Gelman are troopers for sure!!! Lea is my new best friend in Utah- we have declared our undying love to each other. Grin. Seriously, though. Since all my other best friends and sisters now live in other states and countries, God truly has blessed me with her friendship. Even with her being a few years older and having 4 kids, we still connected way better than you could have planned. I am blessed.


I took Lea with me to Lagoon for my work Lagoon day a few weeks ago. This is us, after a long hot day of walking around, enjoying some of life's best: fruit.











Lea's true side comes out at youth group.










at the end of June, beginning of July, I went as a youth leader for the Challenge Conference, an Evangelical Free Church Of America youth conference that happens every two years. There were only 4 leaders, Lea and Kurt Gelman, and me and my friend Erik. Lea and I bonded. I pretty much poured out my heart with her- t'was good.







at youth group: Kurt is the youth pastor at church, and I babysit their 4 kids every youth night. Here I am with their youngest, Zion. He's adorable.





Now I'm just chillaxin at home, getting bored and catching up on The Office. My jaw hurts.

early morning and my coffee

some lovely trees from Hatley's and my hike, up Deseret Peak


me and my new sister in law, Ashley


I know how to have a good time dancing!













just to let you all know, I drink way too much coffee these days. ever since getting a job promotion to a desk, I've had copious amounts of coffee. daily. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get ulcers sooner than later. but it's just so hard to stay awake when just sitting at a desk all day!

recently when listening to a Relevant Podcast, they were interviewing one of their interns. he told them that when he started working there, he was surprised and kind of disappointed upon finding out that most of the work was just sitting at a desk, staring at a computer. and they all agreed that this is what the real world is like.

I'm not so sure I agree- at least, it doesn't have to be that way. not for everyone.

QUESTION: (imagine that being asked in a Dwight style tone) what do YOU do too much of?

strange, the pictures I randomly picked to use for this post........

awareness

I have just been made aware of at least 4 new friends blogs. huzzah!

Grace

if we fully understood grace, or even came close, I think we would often be so amazed and taken aback at God's love for us, that we would find it so much easier to be who he wants us to.

if we learned to apply grace towards others, in the same way God has for us, we would love in ways none of us could imagine.

why is the fairly simple concept of grace so difficult to move from theory to practice? sometimes I believe grace is hardest form of love for me to act on, and truly believe in my heart. do we honestly understand what it means to show a person grace, in the face of reality?

Question

Jim enters the office dressed as Dwight)
Jim: It's kind of blurry. (puts on the same glasses as Dwight's) That's better. Question: what kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False! Black bear.
Dwight: Now that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought—
Jim: Fact: bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: Bears do not—what is going on? What are you doing?



Bahahahahahahahahaha!

My Xanga

In order to make the most of my time, I won't be posting on here very often. I've had a Xanga blog for about four years and i truly regularly post there. I'm more connected to many friends on Xanga, so I'll stick with that for now.

So, if you care at all to see any pics or read my thoughts, try out Susanna's Blog and I will see you there!

Susanna

a moment like this

one of my best friends, Cassie, became Mrs. Jake Ulasich on Saturday. Woot! And I don't even have a picture of her in her stunning dress. Ah well. I shall have all the pictures from the photographer next week. (I do keep bragging about that, don't I?)

Elizabeth, Rebecca and I drove the 19 hour drive to Minneapolis, Minnesota on Thursday for the wedding and came back on Sunday. It was a fast, fun trip. Wish it could have lasted longer. Not my first time to Minnesota, but my longest time spent there. Some day, I want to live in Minnesota. If at least for a short while. I want to reside in Minnehaha, Minnesota. I mean, really. When asked where you live, you could respond with, "MinneHAHA! minnesota." then if the questioner wanted more details and asked, "yes, but which city?" you could again reply, MinneHAHA!" depending on how well you could use your voice to place the infliction on the "haha" portion, you could really throw them off. they would think you were amused by something right at the moment you were answering, and therefore they wouldn't realize you were actually telling them the answer. seriously. it would be rather amusing.

My younger sister Charity just turned 21 today. She also got engaged! I am thrilled and overjoyed for her. but a bit sad. I have not seen her at all this year, and every day keeps adding to the longest time we have ever been apart. we won't share a single moment together in 2007. crazy how these things work.

it seems to help me learn what it would be like if I were to go back on the mission field for a longer period of time. being home is nothing like I imagined, and my life does not seem to be here anymore. for the moment, I shall remain and keep paying off the hospital debt. but my heart is once again flying away. there are reasons, I suppose, why I was always so drawn towards things such as Hotel Rwanda, the ONE campaign, Invisible Children, and Inernational Justice Mission. that's the way God has formatted me, and I can't change that. no, not even my selfish desires for comfort and ease could ever change what God hath wrought in me. and I don't want it to, either. however hard it was to be in Brazil without and friends or family, I learned more there and grew more than I may ever have in my time in the states. I also saw God work in ways I always dreamed of, and I saw his heart in me and my coworkers. yes, it was good.

the one big roadblock remains.........with all my heart, I don't want to do it alone. either get married or go somewhere with Jes. She's thinking of a new country other than Indonesia, and oddly enough- I was thinking of the exact same one! but in all honesty. doing work like that is very, very difficult alone. my plea to God is to send me a like-minded mate. Miracles happen still, don't they? yes, they do. my brother is proof. Cas and Jake are proof. Luke Goodrich for Sarah is proof. ABBA ministries is proof. life is proof. so there's hope yet, Suasna!!!


next time, I'm going to don my aviators, and the first person I catch looking at me, I'm going to say in a smug sort of way with a toss of my hand- "oh, I'm a moviestar." that just explains it all, doncha know?

tea and rain

this week has been such a stay home, drink tea and get cozy sort of week. ohh, I love it! if only autumn didn't bring snow........next week, Minneapolis for Cas and Jake's wedding! I cannot believe it is finally happening! I am so incredibly happy for them both.

in other news......Charity says she and her boyfriend will be moving back to Utah. a dream come true? you better believe it!!!

middle ground?

how do you reconcile concerts, starbucks, hundreds of cds, DVDs, and the like with things such as poverty, injustice, starvation, AIDS? it seems there should be some sort of middle ground. somewhere you can be a christian who lives in this world, but is not of it. it seems you could live a passionate, christ-like life yet still be able to relate to the lost and the broken.

I can't find that place. or it feels like I cannot. it looks like I am always at one extreme or the other. do I never center myself in the middle? either I am passionate and gung-ho for Jesus and doing everything for him, or I feel jaded and angry and very self-centered. perhaps I am being too harsh. but I still find myself either wanting to live like zealot, on poverty and allowing nothing for yourself. or just doing whatever you want and only "getting by" spiritually. neither one seems to work. what's my problem?

when I read the scripture, it sure sounds like Jesus wants us to be gung-ho. but my vision of that seems more extreme than most. however, most of the time the christian church seems so apathetic, caught up in the druggery or life. I never wanted that, yet it seems I can't escape it. I had so many ideals, so many plans. but everyone who ever shared them is gone now. and I'm left feeling so worldy. so cynical. so......listless. passionless. this isn't the Susanna who used to be, and I don't like it. but everything seems to stifle and disappoint. yes, Jesus IS my all in all. but what if I don't see Jesus anywhere?

is that my problem? is it something wrong with me? I wanted to see him so much, I AM passionate!! but it was always smoothed over. nicely put in a corner where it wasn't heard. where it could be ignored.

I just don't know anymore. I want Jesus. I want his beauty, his glory, his majesty. I DO want to see miracles, people changed. I want to see hearts of fire, and unity. but I don't want this crap. and I don't know what to do.

well, well, well

it has been too long. far too long. what to say? went to Brazil and am now back. went to Pennsylvania, New York, Washington DC, Ontario Canada, Maryland, and Virginia. Travel, travel, travel. But now I am in Utah for a bit, working and the like. It is now fall. And I love it. Yes, I do dread winter. But autumn is simply fantastic.

I do miss my friend Jes La Bleu, who left for the Philippines on a two-year midwifery trip. But most of my family is here, and being with them is good. So good.

That's enough of a quickie for now. I will for surely positively update more eventually. Why, even before the year is out, I bet!

I leave you with me. Chillin with Jesus.

Cancer-Free!

I'm cancer free. they got it all. Praise God whom has healed me

baby? twins?? triplets???

Luke and Sarah Goodrich are eexpecting a baby. I am praying for twin girls. charity's praying for triplets. haha. are we mean?

oh, right. so chass is here. she came home with the fam and surprised me. boy, was I ever surprised! she's here for a week! hurrah!!!!

skin cancer

well.....it's worse. not deadly, but worse. they had originally said it was less than a millimeter deep, now it's 1.4. so they have to go back in and take more out, a centimeter's worth on all sides, about an inch deep. then they will check my lymph nodes to see if it spread to there. he said I have a 9/10 chance of it not being in my lymph nodes. we'll see. so far they say we've caught it in time, but, what if I end up being that 10th person? if it's in my lymph nodes, can I die from it? I'm not sure. I think I need to find out more.

I'm not exactly scared. or angry. sometimes frustrated. sometimes, "God, I don't want this. take it away." other times, "I would have insurance if I didn't work part time and I work part time cause of doing youth ministry." I guess that stems from everyone telling me not to blame myself. so who do I blame? my mind wants to blame someone. I know cancer just comes from the fall, our own sin. but it's hard to not have an actual, living culprit to blame.

this might change my plans. which is ok, I am completely used to having my plans go very differently than......planned. but, I thought they were nailed down by God. and I want change. I might explode if this makes me stay in utah for a lot longer......oh God, more patience please!!!!

I haven't told very many people at all. only about 4 people at work know. most of our church leaders. maybe 11 people in Ltitz, PA. a few friends and relatives in NY. 1 in Michigan. one in Colombia. . jes. family. a few youth. but not all the people I know from other churches, or the people in tooele county I know. there's so many people i could tell, but. i don't want to. I don't like a big deal made about me. I don't want to explain more than I already have to. i don't like the pity. but at the same time, i sometimes feel sorry for myself. I squelch that as soon as possible, but occasionally I want other's sympathy. then I don't. oh, what a female I am! don't tell my brothers and their friends. they get in enough jabs as it is....

I don't want this in my life. I just need to keep trusting God. but I feel so selfish: Britney lost an arm to cancer, Rico lost half a leg too a motorcycle accident. and here I am crying about a little cancer in my arm? but see, even writing that makes me cringe! cancer? in my arm?? I'm not even 22 and I have cancer?? sigh. it's beyond me.

whoaaa. I have not posted on here forever. I think I use xanga a lot more, then myspace a bit. I like this one because I think only Jacob ever reads it. then maybe some people I don't know. I'm trying to make Jacob forget I have this site, so that when I want to post about things that happen that relate to church and other utah events, he won't read it. I want this to be my private site that no one ever reads. why'd I ever tell anyone the link to this? ;)

40x365

#5

Gordon Burton:

I punched him once. he made me mad. always loud, often annoying. he found us on myspace- friends again.

#4x365 Caleb:

Caleb is my brother, two years older than I. He's the best guy friend I've ever had, the one who's been so dependable and trustworthy that I now have faith that there ARE guys out there you can trust. Caleb is nearly always in a good mood, his humour cannot be shaken. Always able to find the funny side of things, he's the kind of brother you can't stay mad at. Though he hasn't gone to college like other guys his age, he's learned so much in other ways, I respect him a lot more than most of his peers. Caleb is the kind of person you're lucky to be friends with.

#3x365 Lily

I met Lily through church; her dad, Peter Hoods, played the guitar. We were very little so my memory is vague, but I like lily very much- we got on well because we were both quiet. She was the eldest and had a few younger sisters whom she took care of occasionally. Quite responsible for her age. She wore her hair long and wore dresses constantly; I always thought it strange but it didn't bother me. last I heard, her parents were divorced, but we lost contact with them years ago. I've tried to search for her but so far, no suck luck.

#2 jes:

I met Jessica La Bleu when I was young, but don't remember her until she went to the same AWANA I did. We'd greet each other with an enthusiastic "I know you!!!!!" every time we saw each other.

Currently jes is working in Indonesia (Borneo) as a teacher/everything else they need. I miss her more than anything- besides my family, jes is the most important person in my life. I recently told the girls in the Discipleship group I lead that jes has the kind of inner beauty that causes all other external beauty to pale in comparison-when jes is in a room and speaks, people listen. jes has the power of God glowing through her, and to all those tall, pretty, popular girls with the big lips who tried so hard to be cool and could sometimes make mediocre girls feel inferior at times: you have nothing on jes la bleu. she moves mountains while you're still looking for that perfect someone. jes, you truly are more amazing than my words can express. just know, you are the kind of woman Proverbs describes.

40x365

Some guy had this idea to post 40x365 What is that? well, you take your age and every day you post that many words about one person. So basically you post 365 blogs about 365 different people. I think I'll try it. I can't only do 21, though, so I'm changing the rules a bit. So I shall probably post more than that. And I'm sure I know that many people! so here goes my first attempt:

———————————————————————————————————————————--------------------------------

Anita:

I remember Anita from the time I was very small. She was my very first female best friend; the first person I remember having a sleepover with. We watched Ninja Turtles on a Saturday morning, and she had a waterbed. Anita, Jourdain and I were best friends for a few years, until she moved to Michigan. We stayed in contact, sending each other packages with cute little gifts, cards, and letters. A few years later, when Anita was in her teens, she got in a car accident with friends one wet night, and she was killed. That was the last I heard about Anita. I miss her. but I will never forget the best friend I had at the age of 5.

suasna

suasna
Originally uploaded by suasna.

oh how adorable

finally updated!

coming up with reasons or excuses for not updating this blog could come easy- likewise, so could reasons why I could easily have updated. maybe the real reason was that I got frustrated because I could not figure out how to change the links on my own- among other small technical difficulties. Jacob offererd to help me out, but I think I was just too stubborn to take him up on it- Susanna wants to figure it out by herself......


now I understand the linkage a bit better, so I think from now on there should be more posting on here.

my life has been very bland as of late. it's been almost......can I say it? deppressing? very mundane. I slept a LOT yesterday. I think it helped though. and i've asked good friends with good taste for book reccomendations, so I've had some reading material to help stimulate my creative side. I think I've just been bored with doing the same things, with the same people, over and over and nothing new or exciting happening. well, let me rephrase that- nothing new or exciting that I want happens to me. I've been relying on God, but at times I just cry out, "how much longer? how much more must I take?" sometimes I don't even want it. any of it. I want to go away and drop all my responsibilities, just quit. but I know that's not very responsible, and i can't live that way. so I shall continue on as patiently as I can.....trusting in God's wisdom, not mine.